The last few episodes of Pretty Little Liars have been relatively mellow. Yes, important/awesome stuff has happened, but I’ve been waiting for a big, WTF thing to go down. A thing everyone wants to talk about the next day. A pig in a trunk, Spencer going “crazy,” Hanna and Aria pushing a cop car in a lake… something amazing and unexpected and bonkers. That’s PLL’s style. Last week's bizarre plate-throwing scene was a solid effort. Really, really dug that. It might be my favorite moment from the second half of season 4 (subject to change as the season continues, duh).
This week? PLL did what it does best/what I've been waiting for it to do for weeks: It took things to a BATSHIT place. EzrA raised hell all over town. He nearly killed Emily’s dad. He drugged Hanna. He ordered a bottle of BOARD SHORTS ALE. Huge episode.
Let's check in with each of the Liars:
- Mike is dating Mona. I repeat: MIKE IS DATING MONA. Aria can’t cope.
- Aria sees Maggie outside of the coffee shop. She’s holding a giant box. Aria is like, “Why are you being a jerk to Ezra about Malcolm? Let him see Malcolm! What’s the box all about, you asshole?” Maggie is like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Also, can a lady go to the post office without getting attacked?”
- They exchange verbal jabs (Aria judges Maggie for accepting Ezra’s family’s money, Maggie accuses Aria of sleeping her way to a good GPA), and then Aria grabs Maggie’s arm. She's fairly forceful. JEEZ, ARIA. She knocks the box out of her hands. A bunch of Malcolm’s things fall out of the box. Aria is like, “I’m the worst, let me help you pick that up." Maggie is like, “No, you’re the worst. Don’t help me.”
- Hanna gets really into James Patterson books. Like, super obsessed. They inspire her to look into Ali’s dental records. She goes to the dentist, rifles through their records, and steals some sign in sheets. When she returns to the dentist chair, someone gasses her and injects her gums with something. She wakes up with blood on her lip. The stolen sign in sheets are missing from her purse.
- Later, Hanna tells the Liars all about her strange dentist trip, and complains that her mouth still hurts. Spencer grabs some tweezers and goes to work. She extracts a A MOTH PUPA FROM HER THROAT. Just kidding. This isn’t Silence of the Lambs. EzrA isn't Buffalo Bill. Ugh, but he'll probably turn into Buffalo Bill one day. He's creepy enough.
Oh my god. Hold up. His weird cabin has a basement. I bet there's a well in that basement.
As far as I'm concerned, Ezra's a tiny dog away from becoming Buffalo Bill.
- Anyway, Spencer removes a tiny, rolled up piece of paper from Hanna’s mouth. “I told you: Dead girls can’t Smile. Stop looking—A”
- Emily’s dad visits Ezra at school and is like, “You seem like a teacher-pal to Emily, so I feel like it’s cool to tell you this. She’s been in a weird place ever since she stayed at Alison’s house. You know, because Mrs. DiLaurentis acts like Alison is still alive. That Mrs. DiLaurentis can be really spooky, right? Anyway, just uh, be a teacher-pal to Emily and meet with her after school?”
- So! One night, Emily goes to Rosewood High School to meet with Ezra. But no one is there. It might be the creepiest the school has ever looked. Doors slam behind her, lights flicker, and death metal blares over the P.A. system. The hell? One of the marquees in the hallway suddenly reads “ACT NORMAL, BITCH.” Seriously, what the hell? She gets locked inside the school. Holy shit. She calls her dad to come pick her up.She runs into a classroom pushes a bunch of furniture in front of the door. She sees a hooded figure through the door. AHHHHH. She tries to open a window, but it gets jammed. She can’t climb out! Her dad arrives at the school, but cannot open the front door. Emily screams at him from the second-floor classroom window. He climbs the drainpipe and rescues Emily. YEAH!
- After he saves her, her dad collapses. NO! He reveals that he has a heart condition. And that’s why he’s been home from from the National Guard. Eesh. Such a scary moment. Luckily, he’s okay.
- Spencer spends night after night poring over Ali’s journal. In one of the journal entries, Ali goes with an older guy to a pub near Hollis College. The older guy eats boysenberry pie, drinks beer, and talks about writing stories. And literature. The older guy and Ali kiss. Ugh, is it Ezra? It’s totally Ezra, right? This just seems too obvious. But of COURSE Ezra orders a boysenberry pie and beer and thinks that combo makes him look cool and edgy to his underage girlfriend.
- Spencer goes to the pub from the diary and sees… EZRA. He’s eating boysenberry pie. He orders a beer. WHAT. He doesn’t say anything about books or stories, but like, it’s Ezra. You know he could start talking about that shit at the drop of a hat. This seems too easy, right?
- Wait, what’s that say on the label of the beer? Oh my god. It’s A BOARD SHORTS ALE. AUGH EZRA IS THE OLDER GUY FROM THE JOURNAL. EZRA IS BOARD SHORTS. EZRA AND ALI KISSED.
Ezra is Board Shorts!!!!! OR IS HE?!?!?!?! (He totally is.)
Image: ABC Family