Anyone who's survived an American upbringing, and their age-full of Valentine's Days, has experienced more than their fair share of candy conversation hearts. As we approach Valentine's Day again this year — older, wiser, more jaded, and more experienced with disappointing date situations and texts of the unanswered variety — it's hard to look at the classic candies without imagining honest Valentine's Day conversation heart pairings.
Sure, sugary hearts with saccharine sayings — of the usual suspects were "Sure Love" and "Cutie Pie" — seemed like the real deal back when we were playing MASH and getting worked up about our first double-digit birthday. But at that time in our lives, cutting out our celebrity crush's pre-pubescent faces from the pages of Tiger Beat was how we were celebrating the lover's holiday. Many a Valentine's Day later, and after an experiential education which taught us that Feb. 14 is pretty much synonymous with dinners, dates, and disappointments, the candy conversation hearts of yesteryear have remained a holiday staple. However, a decade or two post-JTT, we look at them with new eyes and a mind-set more in tune with "Reality Bites" than "Sure Love." It's impossible to revisit the chalky sweets and not roll your eyes at the ignorant idealism, imagining rebuttals to the sappy sweet innocence. Here are some of the replies you may have imagined, if conversation hearts got down and dirty with some brutally honest comebacks.
We still love Disney movies, but we also love keeping it real.
We're just two independent individuals having a good time.
The L word is reserved for things like infantile family members and Chipotle.
But actually. Do you?
Or maybe just 4 the night.
PDA is for people with something to prove.
The only acceptable reason for leaving that text unanswered is you've lost your phone, computer, and all your technology-using friends.
I'm just, like, really busy this week. And next.
It's instantly not "serious" if followed by a "ya" instead of a "you." Ya know?
So maybe this one's a bit of an update... but either way, let's agree to keep it on the DL.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast,I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
Images: Caroline Wurtzel/Bustle (11)