Hustling comes in many forms. There's the Jay-Z kind of hustling, the mobster movie kind, and of course, the kind of scrappy resourcefulness that being young and broke in New York requires. Speaking of this last breed, nobody hustles like Abbi and Ilana of Broad City. They're patron saints of the destitute-but-DGAF grind, if you will.
Whether they're cobbling together money for Weezy tickets, scheming their way onto a fancy booze cruise, or smoking weed with Kelly Ripa, Abbi and Ilana could teach a master class in balling on a budget. It's truly a beautiful thing. They live life to the point of comatose fullness on virtually no money, proving that you don't have to be flush with cash to be a true gangster. Though their antics often spiral off into absurd directions (busting in on rich person dinner parties and a trek to North Brother Island, just to name a few) the struggles of this odd couple feel super real. When you're trying to live large on just peanuts in an expensive city, things can get weird. I'm talking Bingo-Bronson-escorting-you-to-Whole-Foods-level weird.
Lucky for us, our Kweens are coming back to television. On the eve of this duo's triumphant return, we're remembering all of the times that their street smarts made us bow down. Make sure to watch the season 3 premiere of Broad City tonight and catch new episodes Wednesdays at 10/9c on Comedy Central or on the CC App!
1. When Ilana Flips Her Work-Sourced Office Supplies
To set the perfect pace for the rest of our glorious relationship with them, Abbi and Ilana are first introduced to us smack-dab in the middle of a hustle. On a quest to gather money for Lil' Wayne pop-up concert tickets, the girls return some office supplies (borrowed from Ilana's office) to an office supply depot. The store credit that they get doesn't exactly work as liquid cash, but this one gets an A+ for effort and for relatability.
2. When Abbi Cons The Gang Onto A Booze Cruise
It doesn't get more "broke-in-your-twenties New Yorker" than smuggling your gang onto an open-bar boat party exclusively for one-percenter mofos. As we see our girl Abbi do, faking a fight to cut the line, developing alter egos, and of course, bringing Ziploc bags are all cardinal rules for this sort of endeavor.
3. Temp Jobs On Temp Jobs On Temp Jobs
If anyone is an enterprising slacker, it's Ilana. When she played hooky from her day job at Deals Deals Deals to take a temp gig at a temp agency, only to pursue one of the temp agency's assignments (dog walking) is but one example of her lucrative laziness. Next stop, mogul status.
4. The Beacon's Closet Affair
What broke city-dweller isn't well-acquainted with the agony of schlepping your sh*t to a buy/sell/trade store, only for the snootily cute buyer with dip-dyed hair and a septum piercing to reject everything? Abbi knows this struggle, but she doesn't take it lying down. She returns with fancier sh*t, reclaims the one thing she loves, and busts out the iconic Pretty Woman comeback. Big mistake. HUGE.
5. Ilana's Trusty Wine Bag Trick
Ah, the old seemingly full liquor store bag with nothing in it. Well played, Wexler. Well-played.
6. Abbi's Unlikely Friendship With Kelly Ripa
Sometimes, hustling is as simple as just going with it. This is just what Abbi does when she finds herself in Kelly Ripa's apartment after valiantly returning her lost coat. Next thing she knows, they're doing regular rich people stuff, like chilling, drinking moonshine, and hurling gift baskets out the window. Way to play it cool, Abs.
7. Ilana's Bath Product Racket
If by some magical circumstance, you find yourself a chi-chi gym bathroom replete with free Kiehl's, are you really gonna let it go to waste? Of course not! Shame on you for thinking that's even an option. Instead, you're gonna make like Ilana in the Soulstice bathroom, grab the nearest plastic bag, and pump your little scavenging heart out.
8. Abbi's Tight AF Bed Bath & Beyond Game
If anyone has triple-B figured out, it's Abbi. In addition to hording those mythical, evergreen coupons, she manages to achieve the ultimate inside privilege — becoming a BB&B regular. It's the only way to snag the employee discount without sh*tting where you eat.
9. When Ilana Amasses Her Intern Army
Many of us in the working world have benefited from the free labor of the young and hungry. Ilana is no exception. Utilizing the spirited work of her unpaid interns, our favorite reckless hedonist figured out how to get all your work done at once. Make some bushy-tailed college kid do it, and pay them in experience.
10. The Time They Got 8-Mother-F*cking-Thousand-Dollars
Our girl gang's Young Money / Missy Elliot themed victory dance in celebration of Abbi's illustration sale invokes everything we feel on payday. Started from the bottom, now we're making a living wage (kinda).
11. ALL HAIL VAL
Last but not least, let's give it up for Val: Abbi's brassy, cabaret singer, drunken alter ego. Though Abbi may seem to be the slightly more law-abiding friend, this lounge lizard is the real expert swindler. She leaves no trace of her shenanigans — unless you count the magic in your heart and a throbbing hangover for Abbi.
Image: Comedy Central; Giphy