Ah, Valentine's Day. That fateful day in February when people in relationships have crazy date expectations, single people feel completely excluded, and movie studios dump their cheesiest, least original romantic movies into theaters. This year for Universal Pictures, that movie is Endless Love.
If you've seen Her or American Hustle, you've probably already seen the Endless Love trailer, which as you will see, makes absolutely no sense. The movie stars Magic Mike's Alex Pettyfer as David and newcomer Gabriella Wilde as Jade, two people who fall in love and apparently, that's it.
The movie is a remake of a 1981 film of the same name, which stars Brook Shields and Martin Hewitt and based on this trailer, a remake was not remotely necessary. There are many, many things wrong with the trailer, but the first issue is what movies it was paired with. Her and American Hustle were both nominated for Academy Awards this year and have been receiving huge critical acclaim, and Her isn't exactly meant for a mainstream audience.
Endless Love seems to be meant for teenage girls who want to drool over Pettyfer with their friends while proclaiming that they don't need boyfriends. Before getting into what exactly is wrong with it, here's the trailer itself.
1) The Length
It should not take two minutes and 21 seconds to preview a movie about a naive girl and a bad boy falling in love. We've all seen that story before and can recognize it in about four seconds.
2) The Music
Maybe whoever cut this trailer didn't know this, but music is usually used to set the mood for a movie. At first, the music for Endless Love makes it seem almost like a supernatural movie, like there's more to Jade or David than they're letting on. Then as soon as the screen says "This Valentine's Day" it changes and you're waiting for someone to get murder. The music gets dramatically spooky and the content stays the same.
3) The Impossible Texting
Can someone please explain to me how you send a text from a desktop computer?
4) The Virgin Obsession
Hey, did you guys know the girl in this movie is supposed to be a virgin? In case all of the mentions of her having never "experienced the world" and shots of her dreamily looking out windows didn't clue you in, the screen conveniently says "say goodbye to innocence" in between shots of the couple about to have sex. Real subtle.
Jade also wears white a lot, is apparently scared by everything and then all of a sudden starts running around in a red dress and flashing her bra and underwear. Based on this trailer, the movie is about a virgin who's dad wants her to stay naive, who then falls in love with a guy with a sketchy past, has sex with him and starts doing things her dad wouldn't approve of. Jade becomes jaded, get it?
5) The Constant Deer-in-Headlights Looks
Jade's dress rides up a little, David looks at her thighs and her face makes it seem like he just discovered that she's one of the X-men. He saw one inch of your thigh—relax. It's not the only example either, almost everytime Wilde is on screen she looks she was just slightly startled by something. Pettyfer is good-looking and all but you can't be that taken aback every time.
6) The Last 30 seconds
After about two minutes of making us watch David and Jade's awkward attempts at conversation and making sure we know see a preview of each time they have sex, suddenly the end of the trailer makes it seem like there's an actual plot. David has a secret, Jade's dad is chasing him with a baseball bat, people are running on train tracks, there's a large fire—all in about 10 seconds. Then back to more virginity-losing sex and the movie title. So, something interesting might happen in Endless Love, but based on the trailer, it's less than 10 percent of the movie.
So if your favorite movies are overly-serious romantic dramas where almost the entire plot revolves around a high school girl losing her virginity, you're in luck. For everyone else, do literally anything else on Valentine's Day and you're bound to have a better night.
Image: Universal Pictures