It’s happened. IT’S HAPPENED. The countdown clock hit 00:00:00. The ex-plosion is upon us. During Wednesday night’s Real World: Ex-Plosion, the exes moved into the San Francisco house while the roommates were romping around on a houseboat. Each ex assumed s/he was replacing Ashley (the ex-roommate). They did not know that they were about to contribute to a nuclear ex-plosion. In the words of Lauren (Cory's ex): "Those sneaky producers." YUP.
Things didn’t ex-plode until the very end of the ep, but the suspense built and built and built. I was anxious on behalf of the roommates. I knew what terror awaited them/what they were in for. It was one of those “Everyone’s so content. What possibly could go wrong?” horror movie type vibes: "This cabin is so amazing and delightful! I can’t stop laughing! Everything is perfect! We're all beautiful! We’re all besties! Wait. Is that a—IT’S A WINGED SERIAL KILLER GHOST ZOMBIE! Aw, man. We were having such a nice time, too." (In this scenario, the houseboat played the role of the delightful cabin, and the exes were the winged serial killer ghost zombies.)
There’d been a few foreshadowy scary movie moments over the course of the ep: a psycho-sexual dinner party, Jay's best Hannibal Lecter impression, and Jamie dressing up like the girl from The Grudge and scaring the bajeezus out of Cory. Spooky y'all. SPOOKY. Even so, no one anticipated the winged serial killer ghost zombie, er, the ex-plosion. And man oh man, did it freak ‘em out.
It was an eventful episode. And a very quotable episode. The following pre and post ex-plosion quotes made me laugh out loud. I'm going to get my laughs where I can, because I have an inkling that the next few eps are going to be very dramatic.
“I made a rule to myself and to my dad before I came out here: no sex on TV.” —Jamie
First rule of Reality Show Club is that you don’t make any rules for Reality Show Club. “Rosie Palm and her five friends here.”—Tom re: how he—ahem—makes do
ROSIE PALM? Oh, Tom.
“I want to have sex, and obviously, I’m a man. Something was bound to happen.”—Tom
“…and obviously, I’m a man.” OH, TOM. “Yes, Cory’s immature, yes Cory’s toxic. But is he hot? Yes. Is he good in bed? Yes. Does one plus one equal two? Yeah, it does.”—Jenny
Shut 'em down, Jenny. SHUT 'EM DOWN.“We could do it very carefully…”—Tom to Jamie, pre-coitus Uh...?
Tom: “I’m not buyin’ NOTHING.” Jamie: “Then don’t buy anything.”What if Jamie lost her marbles and was like, "NO! You are buying something. You don't have a choice. We are not leaving Chinatown until you buy something from Chinatown, do you understand me?!"“It’s all fun and games until you get that instant flick of a camera with you doing something you didn’t think you were doing, you know?”—Cory
Hey, Cory? Is "doing something you didn't think you were doing" a regular occurrence for you? Eesh. Might want to get that checked out.
“Can you, like, look away for, like, eight seconds, please? I need to have a serious conversation.”And“I like you, bro, but PLEASE go somewhere else for a minute. I want to have a normal conversation!”—Jay to the cameraman.
Uh oh. Second Rule of Reality TV Club is CAMERAS BE EVERYWHERE.When a producer asked Jay why he gets girls’ phone numbers if he doesn’t plan on taking them home and “bang ‘em out” (Jay’s choice of words), Jay slowly shook his head and said, “I don’t know.”
He doesn't know why he does it. Let him be, PRODUCER. Let him be.
“It smells in here.”—Ashley (the ex-roommate) upon returning to the house to retrieve her belongings
Ugh, I can't even begin to imagine. I sort of wish she described the stench, though.
“I forgot my purse!” —Ashley (the ex-roommate).
Jenny: “(Singing) I’m driving a boat. I’m going too far to the right, oh no.” (Barely misses a giant rock)Arielle: “This is some Titanic shit right now."Jenny: “This is going to take some time, folks.”
Did Jenny panic and stop steering? Nah. She kept at it. Never give up.
“This is the first season where everybody gets along. Shocking, I know. So for the rest of our time here, it’s going to be nothing but smooth sailing.”—Arielle
Way to jinx it, ARIELLE.
“I think it makes it so much easier that it’s all of us. We’ll all kind of have each others’ backs, all of the exes. We’ll be like a little gang or something. It’ll be great.”—Hayley
Do what now? A gang? A Jets vs. Sharks sort of thing? Are you going to snap your fingers and dance battle one another? Will the show turn into a musical? Okay. I wouldn’t hate that. It’d be an interesting direction for The Real World, but I’m open-minded.
Next week: Ex-plosion aftermath!!!!