America cried last night as Parks and Recreation 's Leslie Knope bid farewell to Ann Perkins, who was moving to Michigan with Chris Traeger and their unborn child. While I fell in love with Rob Lowe's Traeger all over again (he alone could make "One Headlight" a dancing song), the episode also gave Ann Perkins multiple chances to catch up with her ex-boyfriends. Which, of course, only led me to wonder: What if Ann had chosen one of these other men as the father of her child? For those of you who are fans of alternate realities (and, if you are, you should definitely give Michael Crichton's Timeline a try), here's what could have been for everyone's favorite tropical fish.
What If She Stayed With Andy Dwyer?
While he resembles a schlubby Thor, Andy (played by Chris Pratt) embodies the innocence and incompetence of a blustering 13-year-old. If Ann chooses to have a child with him, it means that her life has gone into full-on supernova, à la Jan in The Office. That, or her nursing drive has overtaken her existence, and she wants to care for two babies at the same time. The couple plans to move to Nashville, where Andy can pursue his musical career as lead singer in "MouseRat." In a shocking twist, April weakly attempts to stab Ann in the heart with a blunt wooden stake, mumbling, "You soul-sucking witch." Ann easily deflects the attack, and April tries to hook up with Tom to inspire Andy's jealousy. She is not successful, although she inspires Tom to launch a new dating website, Rebound4Revenge.com.
What If She Got Back Together With Mark Brendanawicz?
Mark returns from his private-sector job after a company-sponsored sweat lodge retreat. He tells Ann that she appeared as his spirit animal, and she, weakened from finally breaking up with Tom, agrees to date him again. He resumes his job as city planner for Pawnee, and proposes to Ann by hiding a ring in the infamous pit-turned-park. In a shocking twist, Leslie attempts to stab Mark in the heart with one of Ron's carved wooden flutes, shouting, "You're not good enough for her!" Mark easily deflects the attack, and Leslie apologizes by volunteering to be their child's godmother and throwing an elaborate Li'l Sebastian-themed bridle/bridal shower. Mark and Ann plan to move to upstate New York, where their child will be able to partake in the competitive youth lacrosse circuit.
What If She Stayed With Tom Haverford?
Ann and Tom stay together after she moves in, and they auction off their baby's name to the highest bidder in an online publicity stunt. Jean-Ralphio wins with a bid of $1,500 and the name "Qwertyuiop." When she goes through postpartum depression, Ann realizes that she is actually happier than normal in this state. In a shocking twist, she cuts the designer tags off all the clothes in "Rent-a-Swag," causing Tom to scream, "You're killing my children!" The couple, thoroughly accustomed now to mutual hatred, remain together until they die of stress-induced heart attacks. Their child is adorable.
She Went On More than One Date With Perd Hapley?
It was revealed in Thursday night's episode that Ann once went on a date with Perd, and now we learn what it is to live "Hapley" ever after. Ann realizes that she can only be happy with a man who is completely and utterly straight with her, and that man is Perd. While it takes him 17 minutes to get through his wedding vows, Perd proves to be a generous and loving husband. Their conversations have the consistency of lukewarm oatmeal, and their child's first words are, "These are my first words." Ann dies at 52, stricken down by sheer boredom.
What If She Became Leslie Knope's Life Partner?
While their relationship never moves beyond platonic, Leslie and Ann ultimately realize that they can and should raise a child together. They flip for who will carry the baby to term (Ann wins), and select a random sperm donor. (In the final episode, we learn that the donor is actually Jerry.) Their child is freakishly precocious and fiercely dedicated to human rights, and grows up with Ann's previous boyfriends as warm uncle figures. Tom and Andy tie in the "funcle" category.