Your 'Vanderpump Rules' Finale Guide

I’m rather fragile right now, for tonight is a bittersweet night. Please bear with me. The second season of my beloved Vanderpump Rules comes to a close Monday. I am excited to watch the episode (come on, I have waited an entire week to find out how the Stassi/Jax/Kristen/Tom Sandoval drama resolves), but I'm struggling with letting myself get lost in my excitement. Because in the back of my mind, I know that once the ep's credits role, it means the beautiful season is over. OVER. What am I going to do? Who am I without my weekly dose of VR?

I anticipate that post-finale, I will feel like a ship without a rudder. VR is indeed my rudder. It propels me. It gives me purpose. It gives me direction. Yes, there are reunion specials to look forward to, but after that? The show is done (okay, it’s not done-done. It’s coming back for a third season. THANK GOODNESS. But like, why can’t it be on year-round?). I don’t know what will become of me between Seasons 2 and 3. I'll probably snap and eat my television set.

Last night's Super Bowl was a big deal for a lot people, but it felt like a warmup for me. Because the Vanderpump Rules finale is my Super Bowl. I've been PREPPING for this hour-long program for months. Inspired by the Super Bowl betting, I’ve drummed up some odds for the VR finale. Did I consult a bookie? Nah. Do I understand statistics or probability? Meh, only sometimes. Have I ever gambled? Nope.

So, does that mean I pulled these these odds out of thin air? NO WAY. Come on. I wouldn’t waste your time with bullshit odds. And I wouldn’t do Vanderpump Rules like that. I take Vanderpump Rules very seriously. These odds should reflect that.

The Odds for the Vanderpump Rules finale:

Scheana performs “Good As Gold”: 1/1

Stassi threatens someone’s life: 2/1

Kristen chain smokes: 4/1

Jax goes 35 seconds without blinking: 6/1

Katie sports an asymmetrical hairstyle: 9/2

Tom Sandoval takes off his shirt for no discernible reason: 11/5

Someone other than Ken throws a drink: 1/1

Ken throws a drink: 45,000,000/1

One SUR employee asks another SUR employee to talk behind the restaurant: 2/1

Jax is accused of something brand new (which he will admit to during the reunion): 17/1

Katie cries: 2/1

A text message convo is read out loud: 3/1

We find out someone is lying about a lie: 5/1

We find out someone is lying about lying about a lie: 7/1

Lisa Vanderpump has a heart-to-heart with one of the SUR employees: 1/1

Someone quits: 3/1

Giggy poops on one of Jax’s shawl-collar cardigans: 60/1

Peter gets stressed out: 3/2

Guillermo catches Jax stealing the SUR salt shakers: 70/1

We find out that Giggy’s been running the restaurant all along: 85/1

Scheana and Stassi discuss recording a duet: 300/1

Jax shows genuine remorse: 1,000,000/1

Stassi forgives Jax and Kristen: 4,000,000,000/1

We find out the show is a lie, à la The Hills finale: 5,000,000,000,000,000/1 (NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE THE SHOW IS VERY REAL.)

Image: Bravo