The Very Specific Kinds Of Secrets You Tell 14 Types Of Friends
Secrets, secrets, are no fun — unless you share it with a very specific someone. I might be highjacking the original saying, but it still works so I'm just going to go with it. Secrets are things that can be very emotional, personal, and seemingly not world-shattering. They can also be silly, no big deal, and hella embarrassing at the same time. The truth is that secrets are largely dependent on those we tell them to. If I told my mother that one time I heard a police siren in the background of a rap song and got so paranoid I threw my entire purse out the window, it would be a really big deal. Telling that same secret to my best friend would be as easy as telling them about brushing my teeth. Context matters, people.
When it comes to sharing my secrets I tend to have an entire system. First, I make sure I know the severity of my secret. Is it a small little lie I want to come clean about, or a huge life changing secret that would ruin my life? Once I have that figured out, I rank the outcomes of their revelations against one another. If people knew that I hate sloths would it cause my world to crumble all around me? How about the fact that I love eating blocks of expensive store-bought cheese? Would my four-month long love affair with the band Tokyo Hotel in high school fare well with my loved ones? Once that is all figured out, I turn to the final part of my system. Who will be on the receiving end of my truth?
I am lucky enough to have friends on the entire friend spectrum that runs from "being part of me like a lung or a bladder" to "met them by accident at a deli and we hit it off". Because of this, there are certain secrets I reveal to some and not to others. Not everyone is privy to finding out about the one time I scared Adam Pally at the Universal Studios lot by very forcefully saying "sup" as I walked by. Below are some secrets that you tell certain types of friends and not to others. Because we all have that one friend we tell everything to...
The Mom Friend
This type of friend has always pushed you to be the version of yourself your parents would talk up at parties. In fact — they are basically your third parent. Your achievements are met with celebratory cheers and they are always the first person you would share your secret promotion with. Their life is coming together while yours consists of flopping around aimlessly, so...you tend to avoid telling them that you forgot to stock up on food and just ate the expired yogurt in the back of your fridge.
This type of friend puts you to shame on the accomplishment scale. You won't tell them about your secret promotion because it will seem trivial compared to their new company getting bought out by Google. Instead, you will tell her exactly what you hate about your job. Specifically the secrets involving certain co-workers banging in the supply closet. Not only will this type of friend appreciate you sharing, but they will most likely reveal much juicier secrets from their job.
The Drug Dealer
Like in the movie Pineapple Express, being friends with a drug dealer is usually one-sided. You do not share any personal secrets with this person. If you do reveal anything about yourself it is usually a secret involving how much you hate authority or the last time you got a parking ticket. They won't judge.
A fine line has to be drawn between you and your neighbor. How much can you really share with a person you talk to because of your proximity to their house? The upside of sharing things like your insomnia or secret sleep-walking is that they will keep the music down and respect your space. The downside, you'll 100 percent have to pet sit their fish.
The Single Friend
This is the friend you tell all of your relationship drama to. Specifically the lack of a relationship. This friend will find out all about your one-night-stands, the regrettable dates and the weird sex-noises. They are your rock through the climbing wall of horrible dating. You will never share just how much you hate your dating life though. That is not to be admitted to this type of friend. This friendship is based on woo-hoos and shots.
The Married Friend
Unlike the single friend, this friend is exactly who you unload your deepest insecurity secrets on. The secret fear that you will never find someone and that you will most likely die alone. Basically anything else irrational will be unloaded on this person, because they can handle it. Their relationship is the perfect counter to any secret you reveal.
The co-worker is allowed to hear all of your secret drama with your other friends since they will never meet in real life. They cannot know about your weed habit or shoplifting past, but they can totally be in the know about your passive-aggressive fight with your roommate.
The Work Husband/Wife
Your work husband/wife is the perfect outlet for the secret relationship issues you are having because most of the time they are going through the same exact thing themselves. They can't know about your flaws (rampant expensive cheese block eating) — obviously that needs to be kept under wraps to maintain the ~mystery~ — but you are more than willing to share your intimacy issues.
The Best Guy Friend
That one time you peed yourself at Six Flags — not because you were scared but because you held it in the entire time instead of going to the bathroom? Yeah, you've told your best guy friend all about that. How about admitting you haven't shaved your legs in three weeks? Check, check, and check.
The Best Guy Friend's Hot Friend You Have A Crush On, Who Is Also Kind Of Your Friend
You tell him or her no secrets. They must not know. They must never know.
The Cool Cousin
Any family secret will be discussed with this person. Distant cousin is in jail? Aunt is getting re-married? No topic too small not to dish. You avoid letting them know the weird stuff you do on the weekends though.
The Friend You Haven't Really Seen Since High School But Still Talk To On Facebook
You don't usually have time to share secrets in between asking about life updates, but when you do, they are usually juicy and about people you went to high school with. These secrets are the glue that holds your friendship together through all of these years.
The Monica To Your Rachel
The Monica to your Rachel. The Sam to your Cat. The Romy to your Michele. This friend knows every gross, funny, embarrassing secret about you. You have nothing to hide and this is the person you feel most at ease with. You can expect them to give great advice and not to judge you too harshly. No matter the secret, they will always have an ear waiting to hear it.
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