'Couples Therapy' Is Not Fun Anymore

“Tell me you watch Couples Therapy,” I’ve pleaded with several friends. “I need to talk about it with somebody.” Every response has been something along the lines of: “Hell no, that show is bleak.” They’re not entirely wrong. The premise: a handful of celebrity couples live in a house together and receive relationship counseling. They fight. They cry. They make progress. They un-make progress. Yes, it can be heavy/bleak. However, most seasons, there are lighter moments. Moments of levity to balance things out. Rays of sunshine that provide the reality TV version of vitamin D.

But season 4 has somehow managed to up the bleakness ante. No sunshine to be found. For example, a few eps ago, Liza Jannetta caught boyfriend Jon Gosselin jerking it, and the scene was not hilarious. It escalated into a vicious, intense fight. If the cast/show/audience can't laugh about whackin' off, what can we laugh about?

As not fun as this recent season has been, I can't look away. I'm in too deep. I have to know if Farrah Abraham’s boyfriend ever shows up (HAHAHA no, no. I'm kidding. I'd be better off expecting Godot to pop by the house).

During Thursday night’s episode, Farrah Abraham admitted she lied to the housemates about her sex tape, and Kelsey Nykole met Ghostface Killah's other girlfriend. It was not a pleasant hour of TV. I don't expect the show to be a non-stop giggle party, but holy crap. Shit got real. Here are the most brutal moments from the ep/the moments that have me asking a lot of questions:

Farrah Admits She Lied

During a one-on-one session, Farrah tells Dr. Jenn Berman that she's been lying to the cast about the sex tape because of the contract: “I mean, I signed some shit away that I’m fucking against. I can’t even talk about it because I signed this huge fucking contract.” And then, they speak sans cameras and mics. WHAT EXACTLY CAN'T SHE TALK ABOUT? WHAT IS SHE "AGAINST"?! I CAN'T KEEP UP.

Farrah Makes Dr. Jenn Cry

Dr. Jenn tells the group that whatever Farrah said during the private one-on-one was “some of the most horrific” stuff she’s ever heard as a therapist. Dr. Jenn starts crying. Whoa.

Farrah admits that she lied to the cast about Backdoor Teen Mom. She says, “If it wasn’t going to fuck up my whole life, then I would tell you the truth.” WHOA.Okay. I'm not going to yell again, but what brought Dr. Jenn to tears? What's she keeping quiet about? Why can't she explain things? What do they have on her?! What could fuck up her whole life?! What happened?!?! Shit. This is really, really bizarre and really, really intense.

As Tracie Egan Morrissey at Jezebel writes, "Her refusal to speak truthfully about the sex tape is even weirder after her recent claims that it ruined her life and if she could go back in time she wouldn't do it again. She's also been willing to talk openly about more delicate issues, like how she was beaten as a child, and later on, repeatedly raped."

She's been very, very candid about personal stuff before. What the hell is it about Backdoor Teen Mom?

Ghost Says 90% of Men Cheat & That Women Don't Understand

During the group session, Dr. Jenn brings up the Ghostface/Kelsey/"other woman" love triangle. When the cast criticizes Ghost for having another girlfriend, Ghost responds, “This is what men do … 90% out there. Men want to fuck everything. Women just won’t understand what a man is thinking or what he’s feeling or what he goes through.”

Why accept responsibility for your own actions when you can just chalk it up to your gender? (Also? LOL at that "statistic.")

The Things Ghost Says About Love

Dr. Jenn brings Ghost, Kelsey, and Latrice (the "other woman") in for a therapy session. It goes terribly. I don't know what she expected would happen. He talks about Kelsey and Latrice. While Kelsey and Latrice are sitting next to him. Moments after they were introduced to one another for the first time. That sounds like something that'd go terribly, you think. You are very correct. Here are a few of Ghost's choice quotes:

  • "I love you [Latrice], I've been in love with you."
  • "I have love for [Kelsey]. I'm not in love with her. I have love for her."
  • "I'm not in love with [Latrice]."
  • "The love I have for [Latrice], it's different, because I've been around her more. Our connection is crazy. You make me laugh, you make love to me good, you cook, you do whatever I say."
  • “I know she’s hurt. I love her ways, too, but I can’t say I was in love love love love like that.”
  • “I’m just saying I know [Latrice] more, so the love I have for [Latrice] is totally different from [Kelsey]. It takes more than that to really get to know a person.”
  • “You know what I do, [Kelsey]. When I approached you, you knew the aura. You knew what it was.”

Dr. Jenn then asks Ghost how he can treat Kelsey like this, when in prior sessions he’s said that he loves her and that she’s an amazing friend. He yells, “SHE IS" and continues shouting about her not understanding their arrangement/expectations. Dr. Jenn says he’s being disrespectful. Kelsey starts crying. Latrice looks bored. Ghost is dismissive. Hey, ladies? PLEASE DUMP HIM FOR FOREVER.

Will I watch next week? Don't make me say it. You know the answer.

Image: VH1