Do not let the sticky caps-riddled track list fool you — Zayn Malik’s Mind of Mine is not a tribute to all of us who used AOL Instant Messenger in the late '90s and early '00s. (Real talk: I would listen to the crap out of a CD about AIM. Could you imagine a track that really dug into the process of picking the perfect Buddy Icon? Sounds like a masterpiece to me!) So, what is Malik’s debut album all about? Here are a few of the album's recurring themes: love, heartbreak, getting sauced, sex, sex, and sex. Boy howdy, does the ex-One Direction dude sing about bonin’ a lot.
Hey, no shame in his game, absolutely no judgment here, I am always happy to see someone live their truth, et cetera. Mind of Mine’s lyrics reiterate what Malik has been saying for the last year: The “PILLOWTALK” singer’s PG-rated boy band days are but a glimmer in his rEaR vIeW mirror. The ridiculously handsome pop star has moved on to steamier pastures.
Speaking of steam, any chance you need to get a wrinkle out of your shirt but don't have an iron handy? These Mind of Mine lyrics should do the trick:
Steamy Lyric #1: "Climb on board/We'll go slow and high tempo/Light and dark/Hold me hard and mellow"
Oh. Oh, my.
Steamy Lyric #2: "Nobody but you, 'body but me/Body but us, bodies together/I love to hold you close, tonight and always/I’d love to wake up next to you"
Steamy Lyric #3: "Yeah, reckless behavior/A place that is so pure, so dirty and raw/Be in the bed all day, bed all day, bed all day/F*cking and fighting on"
*Splashes face with cup of ice water*
Steamy Lyric #4: "Clothes off cause she's so soft"
Steamy Lyric #5: "I'll get her wetter than ever/Four letters are never the question/She likes when I’m messy/And I like when she’s undressing"
Zayn! You rapscallion!
Song: “fOoL fOr YoU”
Steamy Lyric #6: "When you're looking like this/I just can't resist it/I know sometimes I hide it/But I can't this time cause it's gonna defeat me"
... Did Zayn just make a boner joke? BRAVO!
Steamy Lyric #7: "So take it off/Let's break down all of our walls/Right now I wanna see it all/I don't wanna cool off/So let’s cross the lines we lost/Right now I wanna see it all/You were right on the border"
I tell ya, these lyrics are not for the faint of heart.
Steamy Lyric #8: "I just want to watch you when you take it off/Take off all your makeup, baby take it off/I just wanna watch you when you take it off/Take off all your clothes and watch you take them off"
Steamy Lyric #9: "Take it off, take it off/Baby just take it off/Take it off, take it off"
Steamy Lyric #10: "I just can't wait to see it all/I’m so turned on/And it's all mine"
I am verklempt.
Steamy Lyric #11: "I need her body/Needs me too"
You don't say?
Steamy Lyric #12: "I light her like dynamite/Load her like gigabyte/Turn out the f*cking lights/I wanna see you bright"
Call me immature, but "Load her like a gigabyte" has me in stitches.
Song: “LIKE I WOULD”
Steamy Lyric #13: "He won't touch you like I do/He won't love you like I would/He don't know your body/He don't do you right/He won't love you like I would/Love you like I would"
Song: “SHE DON’T LOVE ME”
Steamy Lyric #14: "I think I know she don’t love me/That's why I f*ck around"
Steamy Lyric #15: "I want you/Your body/I want you/Your body on top of mine"
Is that so?
Steamy Lyric #16: "Should we wait 'til the morning?/See it loud in your eyes/Can't escape what I'm feeling/Your body on top of mine"
With lyrics like these, who needs travel steamers, am I right? (And no, that isn't a weird euphemism.)