My editor friends are all très, très chic, and frankly, it's starting to get on my nerves. For days now, they've been flitting around to super-exclusive fashion shows and after parties for New York Fashion Week, while I've been sitting around ordering embarrassing amounts of Thai delivery and resenting my station in life.
But the wallowing and FOMO end here and now, because, halfway through a bottle of wine last night, I came up with the greatest idea ever. Ever! It is called Boner Fashion Week; it is fashion week for boners, and I'm in charge of it, and you're all invited. To look at this slideshow of superglam condoms and condom wrappers, I mean. Not to any actual boner runway events, which, you know, are totally happening (in my apartment), but they're suuuper VIP (my boyfriend is the only guest and model. Also, we aren't actually doing this). So grab a bottle of wine, tell your fashion friends — or my fashion friends, do you want their phone numbers? I hate them — they're not all that special, and click through to bear witness to some dazzling peen couture.
Sir Richard's vegan condoms
These vegan condoms have got it going on. How cute will the color-blocked wrappers look in your very-not-Chloé bag? So cute. Plus, every time you buy a Sir Richard’s condom, a condom is donated to a developing country.
Sir Richard’s 12-pack, $14, sirrichards.com
Origami's male condom
This is, in fact, not a blueprint for a contemporary art museum, but an actual dick sheath, designed by Origami. The brand’s sculptural condoms (including designs for men, women, and anal — interesting categorization, no?) are slated to hit the market in 2015.
Origami Male Condom, Origamicondoms.com
In the mood to treat yourself? Check out Naked condoms, which feature stunning packaging and pleasure-oriented design.
Naked Lux XL six-pack, $20, nakedcondoms.com
Mara Hoffman for Proper Attire condoms
What’s that? Oh, just a trio of Proper Attire condoms swaddled in a mesmerizing Mara Hoffman design. She’s one of several creative legends, including Alexander Wang, Charlotte Ronson, Rebecca Minkoff, and Yigal Azrouël, to design for the brand.
Mara Hoffman for Proper Attire three-pack, $6, properattirecondoms.com
Lovability’s pretty, pretty condoms were designed specifically with female sexual empowerment in mind. I’ll bone to that!
Lovability Classic Condom Tin three-pack, $8, lovabilitycondoms.com
"ooo" boutique condoms
Everything’s a little sexier in Los Angeles, no? That’s certainly the case with the ooo boutique, whose condoms endeavor to turn safe sex into an accessory.
ooo boutique Tryst six-pack, $10, oooboutique.com