The next stop on the The Bachelor tour? Juan Pablo Galavis and the ladies went to New Zealand. Hey, get this: I wanted to go on the trip. Whaddya know! I think yet another Bachelor vacation looks nothing short of spectacular. I realize that I say it every week, BUT I MEAN IT EVERY WEEK. At the top of the ep, Juan Pablo said that New Zealand is the perfect place to find love and fall in love. Wait, why not Vietnam? Or South Korea? What is it about New Zealand, Juan Pabs?! Is it the Hobbits? It must be the Hobbits. Do the Hobbits give off love vibes? Is that a thing?
DATE WITH ANDI:
Andi and Juan Pablo went boating and swimming in caves/waterfalls/hot springs. They made out and embraced and giggled a lot. Careful, Andi! In the next five minutes, he might tell you that kissing you under the waterfall was disrespectful and that he regrets it. He also might tell you the only reason he did it was that he was "caught off guard." Just a friendly warning!
After waterfall make out sesh, they kicked it by a geyser. The geyser chilled out while they chatted, but the minute they decided they wanted to grub some dinner, THE GEYSER ERUPTED. Meal = ruined. That geyser didn’t give two shits about Andi and Juan Pablo’s dinner plans. The humans ran away from the geyser (and the food. What a bummer) and stood on a bridge. They mumbled and smiled and flirted. They sounded like two Sims. At one point, Juan Pablo shimmied his shoulders and laughed just like a Sim, and I screamed. I waited for Chris Harrison to descend from a helicopter in order to hold two giant green diamonds above their heads. Sadly, it never happened.
He gave her a rose.
GROUP DATE (EVERYONE BUT ANDI AND CLARE):
They met Juan Pablo at a hilly field for a picnic. This is absolutely lovely, I thought. That must mean Juan Pablo has something terrible in store for the remainder of the date. AND HE DID.
HE HAD A GODDAMNED FLEET OF OGOS WAITING FOR THEM. An Ogo is a giant ball with a smaller ball inside. You sit in the smaller ball. And then you roll down hills. Nothing about that sounds pleasant. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
Watching people go on an Ogo ride makes me regret ever putting my pet gerbils in one those clear rodent ball things. I always assumed they were having a blast. In hindsight, they were probably scared shitless. "Here's a giant, clear orb. Get in! You can't get out, you poor, poor gerbil! Roll around! How do you stop rolling? You have you figure that out on your own! How do you escape? BWAHAHAHA. Oh, you're pooping everywhere. Well, I suppose I should've seen that coming."
After gerbil ball time, the group date went to Hobbiton. Okay, Juan Pablo. Solid move. Might save the date from a certain gerbil ball hell. I should add that he did quite a bit of kissing in Hobbiton. It must be the Hobbits’ love vibes. Juan Pablo obviously wasn’t worried about “no kissing,” because he was smooching up a storm this week. He got his mack on hardcore during the group date AND the one-on-one dates. YOBO! (You Only Bachelor Once.) (Er, not really, There’s The Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad. Forget I said anything.)
Sharleen told Juan Pablo that the process has been “inorganic” for her and was worried about where she was, where Juan Pablo was, where the other girls were, et cetera. Juan Pablo was like, “Don’t worry, let’s make out some more!” And then they made out some more. He might be the most dismissive person ever?
The day of the group date was Cassandra’s 22nd birthday. She told Juan Pablo that she missed her son and they discussed being single parents. Cassandra seemed very conflicted about her choice to Bachelor.
Juan Pablo gave Sharleen the rose, and then pulled Cassandra aside. Nikki assumed it was so he could wish her a happy birthday. WRONG GUESS, NIKKI. He wasn’t handing her an Edible Arrangement and a balloon bouquet. He was sending her packing. HARSH. He didn’t want to wait an additional two days until the Rose Ceremony to eliminate her because he wanted her to be able to see her son ASAP. Wait, was that a nice thing to do? I’m having trouble discerning “a nice act” from “faux heroism that's nothing more than a cop out.” Please forgive me.
He said he really liked her, but he didn’t feel a connection. She got in a car and left. She cried. What a bust of a birthday.
DATE WITH CLARE:
Oh, boy. Last week, Juan Pablo went swimming with Clare, regretted whatever they did, made Clare feel like shit about whatever they did, and grabbed at Clare’s face a lot while talking at her about whatever they did. Gross, Juan Pablo. All of it was gross. This week, Clare wanted a chance to air her grievances with Juan Pablo. “There’s a difference between being honest and hurting someone’s feelings,” she said. Juan Pablo definitely hurt her feelings. “I know in my heart that I wasn’t meaning to disrespect anybody.”
During their one-on-one (a riverside picnic), Juan Pablo sort of apologized? I don’t know. Clare said she respects what he said, but that she was offended.
When she asked Juan Pablo why he, an autonomous being, even went swimming with her if it was going to be such an issue for him later, he blamed being caught off guard. Blah. He said that at the time he thought, “If you say no, she’ll be devastated right now.” Blaaaaaah. Clare said he was making an effort. I… ugh. They talked about boundaries, Camila, and so on. They kissed.
“Was that our first fight?” Clare asked.
“No. I don’t like fights,” Juan Pablo responded. BLAAAAAAAAAH.
The kissed some more. Later, they hung out in sweatpants. Juan Pablo was really into her sweatpants look. He gave her a rose. You’ll never believe what happened next! They KISSED. Whoa. SO CRAZY!
- “I just wanted to go in the ocean and swim.”—Clare. LIVE YOUR LIFE, CLARE. Do your swim thing. Don’t listen to Juan Pablo.
- Though Sharleen continued to not sense a spark beyond Juan Pablo’s kissing abilities, Juan Pablo gave her the group date rose. Her strategy is flawless. Next week? Sharleen might be over The Bachelor experience for good. “I don’t want to hurt Juan Pablo. I’m going to give it another week and see if there’s something that I’m missing,” Sharleen said in the preview. If the “something” doesn’t happen? “I think it’s best that I leave.” NOOOOOOO. DON’T ABANDON US, YOU REAL-ASS PERSON! We viewers depend on you.
- Is Clare going to win? I think Clare's going to win.
Who Went Home?
Cassandra (mid-ep) and Kat. Both ladies opened up their hearts and got real with Juan Pablo. Unfortunately, their genuineness didn't cut the mustard.
Next week: Miami!