Ted Cruz's College Roommate Is Handling The Dildo Situation In The Most Hilarious Way Imaginable

So get this: While he was serving as Texas' solicitor general from 2003 to 2008, Ted Cruz was tasked with defending a controversial law which placed an onerous burden on the sexual liberty of the state's citizens. Namely, it banned the sale of masturbatory items like "dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices" within Texas, on the grounds that there was no "right to stimulate one's genitals." You got that right: Ted Cruz wanted dildos to be illegal in Texas. And let's just say his old college roommate has some thoughts about that.

The roommate in question is Craig Mazin, who's a Hollywood screenwriter nowadays ― most notably, he wrote the latter two Hangover movies. And back in his college years, as a student at the prestigious Princeton University, he found himself in a situation which he says he didn't much care for: rooming with a young, fresh-faced Ted Cruz.

Over the course of Cruz's entry into the world of major party politics, Mazin's Twitter account has been a veritable treasure trove of gross stories, off-putting anecdotes, and cautionary allegations about the Texas senator. And to hear him tell it now, Cruz has done a bit of an about-face in his views on self-pleasure.

Darren Hauck/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Now I know what you're probably thinking. "Ted Cruz masturbating? Ew!" And sure, he might not be everyone's cup of tea. But that doesn't mean he isn't a human being with sexual needs like any other. After all, there's nothing wrong with settling in for some erotic alone time, even if it might not be something the nation relishes thinking about.

Unless, of course, as The Nation's David Corn noted on Wednesday, you've also argued in a court of law that "There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one's genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship." For the record, actually using a dildo, synthetic vagina, or the like wasn't illegal in Texas, but purchasing one within the state was. So much for the party of free markets, huh?

Spencer Platt/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Mazin's position, for what it's worth, has been pretty clear that it's not really just about Cruz's politics. As he said on a 2013 podcast, it's more an issue of personality than anything:

I have plenty of problems with his politics, but truthfully, his personality is so awful that 99 percent of why I hate him is just his personality. If he agreed with me on every issue, I would hate him only one percent less.

This is far from the first time Mazin has made a scathingly funny observation about his time living with Cruz. Although really, should claiming that someone else has enjoyed sexual stimulation be considered an "allegation"? Sure, not everyone is into it, but it's a pretty foundational piece of human existence.

It's certainly less of an indictment than some of Mazin's other claims about Cruz ― for instance, that he used to wander near the women's side of the dormitory hall wearing a paisley bathrobe, or that he left a greasy film on whatever he touched, which Mazin's friend dubbed "cruhz" (rhymes with "scuzz"). Some of Mazin's Cruz stories, however, have veered towards the more serious, inflammatory, and upsetting ― like insulting a female student's mother upon learning she'd had an abortion.