Ted Cruz Isn't Coming For These

Ted Cruz is coming for our birth control. He's coming for our abortion access. He's coming for our right to marry someone of the same sex. But rest assured, Ted Cruz is not coming for our dildos. The Republican presidential candidate caught himself in Dildogate this week after Mother Jones published an article titled, "The Time Ted Cruz Defended a Ban on Dildos." The article outlines how, while serving as the solicitor general for Texas, Cruz argued in a case before the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit that Texas should uphold a ban on advertising sex toys in order to protect "public morals." According to Mother Jones, a legal brief co-authored by Cruz in 2007 stated, "The Texas Penal Code prohibits the advertisement and sale of dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices."

The legal filing also included some questionable beliefs about masturbation and stimulating "one's genitals for non-medical purposes." Mother Jones found that Cruz and his legal team equated buying and using sex toys to "hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy."

And on that note about so-called self-stimulation (known outside of Cruz's world as "masturbation"), the filing reportedly stated:

There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one's genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.

Unfortunately for Cruz and his solicitor general's office, the dildos won out. In what may truly be the sexiest legal decision in the history of America, the 5th Circuit Court ruled that prohibiting the sale of sex toys, including dildos, placed a burden on the constitutional right to pleasure oneself in privacy.

The court wrote: "An individual who wants to legally use a safe sexual device during private intimate moments alone or with another is unable to legally purchase a device in Texas, which heavily burdens a constitutional right."

What does Cruz think about the right to dildos now? The Texas senator tried to quell Dildo Gate in an interview with radio host Curtis Sliwa on Friday. Sliwa asked Cruz if he would indeed ban dildos, vibrators, or any toys that help Americans please themselves in privacy.

Cruz responded with an emphatic "no." The conservative senator said:

Look, of course not, it's a ridiculous question, and of course not. What people do in their own private time with theirselves [sic] is their own business and it's none of government's business.

So, there you have it: We can still masturbate without interference from Ted Cruz (thank God). Now, if only Cruz would apply this "none of government's business" attitude to reproductive health care and LGBTQ rights.