The Best Stassi Schroeder Moments of all Time

by Kristie Rohwedder

Will Stassi Schroeder be back for Season 3 of Vanderpump Rules? Will there be a Season 3 of Vanderpump Rules ? Will Schroeder get a spinoff? Lots o’ speculation happening out there in the blogosophere. We know she quit SUR, moved to New York City, and has fractured relationships with a majority of the VR cast. Little has been confirmed beyond that.

If Season 2 was Schroeder’s last Vanderpump hurrah, we must weep and bow our heads in reverence. In just two seasons, Schroeder proved herself to be one of the best reality TV personalities EVER. We watched her manipulate, scheme, and valiantly argue to a degree many reality TV personalities wish to achieve, but seldom actually do. She started the series a villain and became the hero. And you know what? She was actually the hero all along. A relentless, unforgiving hero (with daggers on her mind always). To root for Stassi was to root for justice. For truth. For daggers.

How do I cope with the VR seas 3 uncertainty? I revisit some of Schroeder’s greatest quotes. They bring me so much joy:

  • “My mom has always told me that I’m a descendant of a Swedish princess, so I try and act like one.”
  • “Two breakups in one summer… God is literally trying to kill me.”
  • “I’d really love to drill, like, a machine gun just into her head.”
  • “Literally want to take every fork and knife and just graze over his body until he slowly bleeds to death.”
  • “I will cut his dick off, put a chopstick in it, go to the little Chinese spot, and fry it up with some fried rice.”
  • “I am the devil. And don’t you forget it.”
  • “I literally want to come at them with daggers and chop their faces and hide them in the walls.”
  • “I am so good at making people feel like shit.”
  • “I normally would’ve literally ran across that float with daggers, and not only stabbed you both, like, 40 times, but then thrown you off, tarred and feathered each of you, beheaded you, and quartered your bodies, and dragged them through the city of West L.A. on a disgusting truck.”
  • “I want to wrap a dildo in acid and give it to Kristen as a present so it tears out her insides.”
  • “It’s my birthday, what I say goes.”<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/8d8e9010-7a44-0131-c4e5-623c2cacd799.gif?w=320"/>

You couldn't write this brilliant shit. She is on another level. Here's what is quite possibly the most excellent montage on the Internet:

Well, I've fallen down a Schroeder video rabbit hole. Here are some more highlights:

“Drinking Jax’s Cristal was a statement and I think I made my statement clear.”

It’s sad to watch Schroeder cry, but it’s nice to hear that SHE WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG.

“When I see him sad, I sit back and remember this is what I looked like when we were together. And this is what you’re like now that you don’t have me anymore.” (Also, shout out to Taylor yelling at honking cars to "SHUT UP.")


Violence is never the answer, but this was maybe the most major moment of season 2. I couldn't leave it out.

Stassi Schroeder's guide to life:

No matter what the future holds for VR/Schroeder, the following is true: Stassi Schroeder and VR seasons 1 and 2 belong in the Western canon.

Image: realitytvgifs/tumblr