How To Get Over Jealousy When You're The Third Wheel (Or Fifth, Or Seventh) Wheel
When you and your bestie are single girls, it's you against the world. The two of you end up morphing into this two-headed powerhouse. Half the time you're dating each other, half the time you're devouring the world and sharing notes. Your friendship is full of relatable experiences and understanding. You get each other so much, you barely need words to communicate. In times that finding a partner seemed too out of reach, you made a pact to live together on a farm and raise chickens and collect cats, in the not sad way. It's not a last resort, but rather, another incredible option. Who doesn't want to live on a bestie farm? A part of you was always hoping for that possibility.
But then your bestie finds a partner, and your duo act gets cut. The heads are separated. You are your own person. You want to be happy for her. You are happy for her, and yet, you don't feel happy. You feel left behind. You feel left-out. You've gone from being the main act to a chorus member and you have to fight the urge to fade into the background. The last thing you want is to make this about you, and yet you can't shake the feeling that your bestie's discovery of love has lead to your own discovery of heartbreak. But the great thing about true besties are, there's always a way to make your friendship work. Overseas, around relationships, and into different time zones — the realest friendships will always work themselves out, with a little bit of communication and elbow grease. Here are 11 ways to stop yourself from being a jealous bystander in your bestie's relationship:
Give Them Their Space
Though you might feel panicked in the beginning of your friend's new relationship, do your best to keep it calm and let them carry on. They're just getting to know each other and need this time without your emotional response. The last thing you want is your bestie to resent you for getting in the way of this process.
Get To The Bottom Of It
There's a reason why you feel jealous. On the surface, it might feel like you just miss your bestie. But deep down, there's something you're not connecting to and something you're missing. Work on identifying the void and understanding the roots of your jealousy before you totally succumb to it.
Once you've spent some time meditating on your feelings, find an appropriate time to share them with your bestie. Don't make it her problem, but let her know that you're having a hard time with the adjustment. The worst thing you can do is start hiding things from each other, because it will only increase the distance. Just make sure that you don't make your bestie feel bad for falling in love. Let her know that you're happy for her and look forward to getting to this next phase of your friendship.
Create Boundaries Together
Talk to your bestie about the best way to move forward. Maybe she wants you to give her space on the weekends, maybe you want her to stop bringing her new partner around to friends nights. Be mature, be fair, and create a system that works for both of you.
Know When To Decline
Sometimes your bestie will invite you to be the third wheel. Sometimes it's appropriate, sometimes it's not. Know when she's just being polite, and know when she wants your company. Try not to throw yourself a pity party over being a third wheel. There's nothing wrong with spending time with a couple, or two.
Get To Know Them
Take the time to get to know your bestie's partner. If you love her, you will grow to understand what she loves about her partner. And, getting to know each other will make you closer with your bestie.
Embrace The Change
Friendships change over time, no matter how healthy and secure they are. That's just the way life is, dynamics change. Try to find things you like about the new phase of your friendship and focus on those. Not all change is bad.
Find Your Own Bliss
Take care of yourself. Use that jealous energy to find your own happiness. Whether it's your own partner, a hobby, a trip, a belief — find something that makes you happy, independent of your friendships. The best person to rely on for happiness is yourself.
Start New Traditions
Pave a new path with your bestie. Pick one night a week to hang just the two of you. Plan a trip in advance. Choose a concert you want to see together. Maybe you can't hang out every day anymore, but that doesn't mean you can't have high quality time when you do hang out.
Honor The Past
Just because your friendship has changed doesn't mean it's gone. All of the amazing experiences and memories you've made in the past with your bestie are still valid and real. Don't be bitter about the past. Smile upon it.
Be Happy For Them
Once you've found the root of your jealousy and come to terms with it, you'll hopefully be able to say you're happy for your bestie and mean it. Just because she's in a relationship now, doesn't mean that you're not a team anymore. It's still the two of you against the world, you're just playing different roles now.