She dreamed a dream that she'd be back at the Academy Awards someday — and that someday will be Mar. 2, 2014. The show's producers officially announced on Tuesday that Anne Hathaway will present at the Oscars. Previously announced Oscars presenters include other 2013 award-winners — Jennifer Lawrence and Daniel Day Lewis — and after an allegedly self-inflicted, year-long removal from the spotlight, it looks like Anne's ready to make her return in 2014, as well.
We just hope she can do it right, starting with this presenter's speech.
The Hatha-hatred wave began around this time last year when Anne became the most insufferable being on the planet after her role of Fantine in Les Miserable. Since winning the Best Supporting Actress category at last year's Oscars, the actress got married and essentially went into hiding because everyone was just hating on her and her Prada "nipple dress" so much. She played it off like she felt that "people needed a break," but we all know that the Internet was just being too mean. And that kind of sucks.
But since she's slowly come out of hiding, Hathaway has premiered her new film Song One, the announced that she'll star alongside Robert DeNiro in Nancy Meyer's new film The Intern, revealed that she'll be in Christopher Nolan's Interstellar, and now, we've learned of her impending return to the Oscars in a few short weeks. It looks like her personal exile is over and we're about to be back in the thick of all things Anne Hathaway. So, complain if you will, but it might be the right time to forgive and forget, especially if Anne takes this advice for her Oscar presenters' speech.
Talk About Fantine
We're basically begging you not to start your speech with, "I dreamed a dream." PLEASE. We get it — you sang, you shaved your head, you won the Oscar. We're proud, but now is not the time to talk about your achievements while you're supposed to be celebrating others.
Wear Another "Nipple Dress"
The nipples of the world are blaming you for their overexposure in 2013.
Bring James Franco Along
You probably shouldn't smoke any of what James Franco is smoking, either. Just stay away from Franco because you two just don't work together.
Focus On The Nominees
You'll most likely be presenting the award for Best Supporting Actor and there are a lot of great artists being honored this year. Since you've been under a rock, we'll remind you — Barkhad Abdi, Bradley Cooper, Michael Fassbender, Jonah Hill, and Jared Leto. We'll also remind you that they all gave reasonably-epic-to-groundbreaking performances in their respective films. So give them as much attention as you gave Hugh Jackman for not singing a duet with you. (But still, don't make it about you.)
Make One Side-Joke About Yourself
Anne's had terrible Oscar-stage performances in the past (let's not get started on her acceptance speech in 2013) so this is her chance at redemption and also to be the best again. Everyone loves someone who can laugh at themselves just enough (you know J.Law is going to go that route) so perfect that art, Anne. Your success depends on it.
Or just follow the prompter in a genuine way, Anne. You'll be just fine.