A lot has changed in the two weeks since the last episode of Last Week Tonight, particularly in the GOP nomination race. John Oliver acknowledged that Sunday night, declaring Donald Trump the presumptive nominee for president: "That's right, this sentient circus peanut now holds the future of a major political party in his tiny raccoon paw-sized hands." Oliver isn't any happier about it than you are, but he's here to help. "If you are feeling depressed about the current state of this election, let me give you some perspective from the Philippines," Oliver said before eviscerating Philippines' presidential frontrunner, Rodrigo Duterte.
Who you might ask? This is the guy you don't want to know about, but probably should. He is the mayor of Davao City, a city of about 1.4 million on the Philippine's big, southern island. To give you an idea of what he's about, like Trump, Duterte has been compared to Hitler. And that should say it all, but he's actually far worse than you can possibly imagine — even given the low standard that Trump has set this primary season. Duterte's outspoken and offensive manner — Oliver calls him "a colorful character, to say the least" — makes Trump's take on women, Muslims, and Mexicans pale in comparison.
At a recent mass wedding, he offered himself to the brides. Seriously.
"I don't have money to give, but I could give your wives something else — and this is for the wives only. Men, I'm sorry, but you don't get anything, because I'm not a queer."
Holy shit. Oliver sums up some of his other qualities:
Duterte routinely kisses his female supporters, once called the pope a "son of a bitch," all of which has earned him a reputation as the "Trump of the East" — a title previously held by a burnt wonton covered in scarecrow pubes.
But it gets worse:
Duterte has also suggested, if elected, he would kill five criminals every week — which may not be an idle promise as since he's been mayor, extrajudicial death squads have reportedly killed over a thousand people. And while he denies any involvement in that, he does admit he has blood on his hands.
Oliver is referencing the death squads that have run rampant in Davao City, killing as many as 1,000 suspected criminals with no respect for the justice system, and with the alleged support of Duterte. "Forget the laws on human rights," he said during the election. "If I make it to the presidential palace, I will do just what I did as mayor. You drug pushers, hold-up men and do-nothings, you better go out. Because ... I'd kill you."
And he might meant that literally, like with his own two hands. Oliver played a clip from an interview shown on Philippine television which Duterte admitted to killing people in the past. "Yes, of course. I must admit I have killed," he said in the interview. "Three months early on, I killed about... three people."
Oliver is as shocked as you are:
I'm sorry — about three people? That's not good! Not knowing how many people you've killed is like not knowing how many Vicodin you took: If you don't know the exact number, the answer is way too f*cking many.
The repulsive comments from the campaign trail don't stop there. Duterte — who has more nicknames like "The Philippine Punisher" and "Duterte Harry," à la Clint Eastwood's "Dirty Harry" — hit a low of lows in April. At a rally he brought up the case of the gang-rape and murder of an Australian missionary in his city in 1989:
I looked at her face — son of a bitch — what a waste. What came to mind was, they raped her, they lined up. I was angry because she was raped, that's one thing ... but she was so beautiful, the mayor should have been first. What a waste.
Worse still, he meant it. Oliver played a clip from another interview in which Duterte "explained" his comments. "It was not a joke. I said it in a narrative. I was not smiling, I was just talking plain sense," he told the reporter. Unbelievable.
Oliver said that there's a moral here for American voters:
OK, let this be a lesson to all of us: When we say 'I just want a politician who will tell me what he really thinks,' we should specify that that politician should not be a total f*cking monster.
In the Philippines, it's probably too late, as polls there show Duterte ahead by about 11 points. That leaves it up to U.S. voters. Otherwise, Oliver explained, "In just a year's time, we could be treated to this" — he showed a photo of Trump and Duterte shaking hands in the Oval Office — "as an official state visit."