You Won't Believe the Oscar Consolation Prize

A person can go back and forth on the hour every hour on whether or not to envy Hollywood's biggest stars. Yes, they've got millions of dollars, ridiculous good looks, and Italian villas, but they've also got strange men stalking their children and a world eager to dance on their falls from grace. Still, sometimes you just can't help but imagine yourself in their place — or at least picture how you'd feel if you ever got the chance to sneak backstage and abscond with the ridiculous Academy Awards gift baskets Oscar losers are getting this year.

Nominees in the Best Director, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress will only have one winner each, but for those who don't get the glory and the endless press conferences that follow will get the consolation prize of $80,000 worth of swag courtesy of Distinctive Assets, the firm also responsible for the gift bags and celebrity lounges of the Grammys and the Emmys.

And so feast your eyes, fellow members of the proletariat, on a few of the perks some of Hollywood's highfalutin stars will be walking away with. Maybe the list will take your mind off of whether it'll be Jennifer Lawrence of Lupita Nyong'o who'll be taking advantage of the Aviv 613 luxury vodka.

  • Wrag Wrap luxury sustainable gift wrap
  • Vacation packages to Hawaii, the Canadian Rockies, Las Vegas, Mexico, Japan (god damn that's a lot of vacations)
  • Krystal Klear Water whole house water filtration system (was this designed by a Kardashian?)
  • The O-Shot procedure by Dr. Charles Runels (It's a shot for your vagina to make your hoo-ha more sensitive for sexytimes)
  • Steamist Total Sense home spa system
  • MACE pepper spray gun
  • A variety of very fancy chocolates
  • Le Petit Cirque aerial lessons
  • Simon's Happy Pet Shampoo

There's a lot more, and you can read the rest of the list over at RedEye. And as Lash Fary (no he's not a cartoon or a mascara product), the founder of Distinctive Assets said in an interview with Variety, "We always look forward to introducing celebrities to an array of companies with fabulous gifts to share, but it’s particularly fun to be able to do so when you know it will truly brighten someone’s day."

And sometimes that's just gotta be pepper spray and something to get your dog clean after he rolls in his own poop in the backyard again.