Let me begin with a disclaimer: I'm not advocating you become a toxic coworker. In general, I believe in workplace harmony. I like collaborating with my colleagues, following directions, putting in the serious hours, and channeling any potential job-related confusion or dismay into a more productive outlet. Frankly, even though I love my job (c'mon — I get to read books and play with GIFs!), I believe work should never become your life.
There are rare occasions, however, when another tactic is necessary. A firmer tone, a harder line, a "not-really-sick" sick day taken. Book-lovers, you know what I'm talking about.
Books make you say crazy things to your boss.
I guess I should be grateful. Without books in my life, I'm not sure if I'd ever take a personal day. Would I be brave enough to be antisocial in the cafeteria if it weren't for books? Would I muster up the courage to give my workerly duties less than 110%? Probably not. Whether it's because I'm engrossed in a novel I can't literally stop or because I need to track down the newest title by my favorite author, books provide all kinds of excuses to shirk authority.
C'mon, bookworms. You know you've said these things to your boss:
1. "What Do You Mean, 'Stay Late'?"
When I'm in the middle of a book, don't tell me it's called overtime.
2. "I'd Love To Do A Coffee Run!"
They're called e-readers, and they let you read books while you wait for poky baristas to make a dozen different lattes.
3. Sorry, Gotta Bow Out Of Happy Hour...
Books be calling my name!
4. "No, I'm Not Sick."
This is my stayed-up-all-night-but-finished-the-dang-thing face.
5. "This Tuesday's A Corporate Holiday!?"
What wizard of the universe let a day off coincide with a new release day?
6. "No, I Wouldn't Do Something As Creepy As Sit In An Empty Conference Room, Pretending To Take A Personal Phone Call But Secretly Reading This Book."
Nope, not me.
7. "Autofiction. Yes, Auto. Fiction."
Heard of it?
8. "Poetry Doesn't Care About My Report Being Filed On Time So Why Should You?"
You think you're better than poetry?
9. "Does My Travel Allowance Really Only Cover Food?"
What if words nourish me more than airport snacks? What about that, huh?
10. " Harry Potter WAS A Book."
11. "Can You Explain This In Words?"
No, I don't want a YouTube tutorial that explains how to use Adobe-whatever. Tell me your best story about Photoshop.
12. "I'm Kind Of A Grammar Person..."
So the way you abuse semicolons is driving me bananas!
13. "Doesn't It Seem Wrong That Everyone Gets A Free Turkey At Thanksgiving?"
Yes, because of history. And yes, because of vegetarianism. But mostly yes because you can't read a bird.
14. "What Do You Mean My Desk Is Too Alphabetized?"
My reference materials are just in formation.
15. "Can You Keep It Down?"
Someone in one of these cubicles might be trying to finish a book!
Images: Cora Foxx/Bustle