Mary Anne Noland's Obituary Features The World's Greatest Opening Line
If you can't stand the thought of having Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton as your only presidential options, it looks like there's another option. Mary Anne Noland, 68, recently died. Her obituary in Virginia's Richmond Times-Dispatch begins: "Faced with the prospect of voting for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, Mary Anne Noland of Richmond chose, instead, to pass into the eternal love of God on Sunday."
Noland's husband of over 45 years, Jim, informed Richmond NBC affiliate WWBT that Noland died after a long battle with lung cancer, but the family wanted her sense of humor to live on. The obituary was written by one of the couple's three sons. Jim Noland told WWBT that the "family is beyond sad at the passing of his wife, but hopes the obituary captures her spirit and celebrates her essence." He also made sure to mention that the joke was not a parting shot at either Trump or Clinton; it was simply a way to remember Noland's "feisty, strong and compassionate" personality. Noland utilized her humor in her career as a wound care nurse before her retirement, and while caring for her 10 grandchildren.
"The humor in the lead sentence of this memorial is pure Mary Anne," commented user Dennis Wilder. "She found humor in everything in life, a quality I saw break through the tension on several occasions."
A similar obituary circulated the internet several months ago for Thomas P. Trump. A cousin of the Republican frontrunner, he urged the public not to vote for his relative. "'As a proud bearer of the Trump name, I implore you all, please don't let that walking mucus bag become president,'" it reads. "'Our surname has been dragged through the mud enough by his slumlord father, but if Donald became the most powerful man on the world, I just know he'd fuck up so badly that for the rest of recorded history, the Trump name will be synonymous with some Holocaust-level atrocity like the Cinco de Mayo Massacre or Civil War II.'" Thomas Trump's obituary was later proven to be a fake, but Noland's seems to be totally real.
Screenshot: Richmond Times-Dispatch