I grew up with a lot of love for the OG Sabrina the Teenage Witch TV show, spending every Friday night convincing my mom to let me stay up late and catch up with her supernatural hijinks. Like Melissa Joan Hart herself, the series was a mid-90’s institution. I mean, even with my nostalgia goggles o,ff I can’t talk smack about it. And then there’s the 1996 Sabrina the Teenage Witch movie... which is the best kind of disaster. A delightful disaster, if you will. Seriously, this is the best thing you will see all day.
The made-for-TV movie serves as almost a sort of proto-pilot for the series. It does feature Hart and some shell of her series-long love interest, and there is a lot of teenage witching involved, but the similarities stop there. In short, around Sabrina’s 16th birthday, she’s gifted with all of her witchy powers, and it’s just in time. She desperately needs brainless hot guy Seth to fall in love with her just in time for the Spring Fling. The incites the wrath of Seth’s vindictive ex Katie, and pretty soon they’re racing for Seth’s heart. Like, literally. They race against each other. It’s weird.
Will Sabrina win Seth before Spring Fling? Will she realize Harvey Kinkle’s secret feels for her? You don’t need black magic to figure out how that’ll turn out. In any case, enjoy this multitude of ridonculous moments from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
1. "Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! Come Quick! There's Trouble In Sabrina's Room!"
Is the trouble that she borrowed a nightgown from a 1600s Quaker woman?
2. There's Nothing Suspect About This House, I Always Drink Orange Juice Out Of A Goblet
3. This Is A Bit Before My Time, But Is This What High School Campuses Looked Like In The Mid-'90s?
Boys dancing like idiot on the quad, girls in crotch-bearing miniskirts.
4. Of Course Sabrina's Only Real Friend Is Hermione Granger
It feels poignant, in a way.
5. Apparently This Is Super Popular Mega-Babe Harvey Kinkle
JK, this is some dude with the same name who lives in a locker.
6. The Aggressive Glee Over Falling Into A Volley Ball Net
"HAHAHAHAHA, THIS IS LITERALLY THE MOST FUN I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE."
7. This Weird Prophetic Reflection Thing
8. These Party Hats Just Scream Sweet 16 Sophistication
Just gonna cradle your chin real quick.
9. Everything About Seth, Most Popular Boy In School
Mostly his hair. Also his entire inner circle.
It's like being besties with a '90s dance crew.
10. "Oh, Harvey, You Are Such A Pal, LOL"
Oh, we're gonna go for the old friendzoning-until-the-end-of-the-film trope, aren't we?
Sorry, bro, I don't make the rules.
11. Clothing Montage
OK, but, if you ever saw anyone doing one of these in real life, you'd punch them in the face.
12. Weirdly Your Coming-Of-Age Witch Party Has The Same Dress Code As Your First Holy Communion
Satan must love that.
13. Salem Has A British Accent, BTW
Get the hell out of town.
14. "Sabrina, Cut The Modesty Schtick, We're Your Friends Now"
Isn't this literally the first conversation they've ever had?
15. "I'm Going To The Fling With Jeff For One Reason And One Reason Only: He Asked Me. He Gets Bonus Points For Having A Car, But That's All I Need. I'm Not Selling Myself At All, I'm Just Being Realistic. It's A Dance, It's Not A Marriage"
What is this practical viewpoint doing in a made-for-TV teen rom-com?
16. Seth Is Going To Ask Whoever Wins All City Out To The Spring Fling
Which is how I make all my life choices.
17. Bleached Porcupine's Face, Tho
Nobody is more excited to go to a school dance than that guy.
18. Whatever's Going On With This Entire Look
Poodle hair and a white fishnet midriff? It's Disaster Town, head to toe.
19. Wait. Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait.
This is Ryan Reynolds.
I know, right?
20. Anyway, Not-Canon Harvey Tries To Rescue Sabrina By Falling Off His Bike In Front Of Her
She obviously made the right decision there.
21. And Finally, This
Everything about this moment makes me feel uncomfortable.
Nothing will ever beat the charm of Sabrina The Teenage Witch the TV show, but you need to watch this movie right now. Do it for the Vine, if not for me. Someone else needs to see this actual magic at work.
Images: Showtime (32)