The Onion Burns America's AR-15 Love Affair

If you're a fan of hilarious satirical news with a decidedly sad edge, there's a pretty good chance you'll want to check in on an article that The Onion ran on Tuesday. Established as a print publication in the late 80's, and now one of the funniest online outlets going, they've always been great at cutting oddly close to the heart of issues without coming at the expense of humor, but their take on America's gun culture is definitely worth your time ― The Onion 's AR-15 article is one of the more cutting pieces of dark political humor you'll find.

Unfortunately, there's no way to tell from reading who actually wrote this, because they deserve some major plaudits. But the byline is simply "An AR-15," written from the perspective of, well, what at least seems to be America's number one mass murder rifle.

That's not to say that any gun isn't potentially deadly or a threat in the hands of a shooter, but from Orlando, to Newtown, to Aurora, the AR-15 ― which is one of the most popular guns in America ― has reared its head in one high-profile mass shooting after another. And, as "an AR-15" wrote for The Onion, "it's an honor to continue being valued over countless human lives."

Here's a small sampling.

Don’t think I haven’t noticed all this. Rarely a month goes by without all of you pausing to weigh me against a certain number of lives—often a dozen or more—and quickly deciding I’m more worthwhile. Gosh, you must really, really love me.
I mean, wow, who do I thank first? I guess I’ve got to start with lawmakers. No one so consistently speaks up on my behalf, praises what I stand for, and does everything in their power to make sure no harm ever comes to me. These are individuals who have hundreds of thousands of constituents whose lives they could so easily put ahead of my interests, yet these principled elected officials steadfastly refuse to do so. Instead, they stick to their guiding beliefs and firmly declare that I—a simple modular rifle with high-capacity-magazine compatability—have more value than any number of human beings. It’s truly humbling.

If you've got the three or four minutes to spare to give it a look, it's worth your time ― suffice to say there's always going to be a market for comedy that throws the sad, hopeless things in life into a sharp contrast.