Hold Onto Your Ham, Er, Hat For This 'BiP' News

Some may call Bachelorette contestant Chad Johnson a villain; I like to think of him as an antihero. A cold cut-gobbling, protein powder-guzzling, sweet potato-chomping antihero who sees the whole world as one big pull-up bar. What’s not to love? Alas, on Monday night's episode of The Bachelorette, our beautiful anti-hero whistled his way off of JoJo Fletcher’s season once and for all. When Chad bid the remaining suitors farewell, I couldn't help but feel a pang of wistfulness; I spent the remainder of the episode wondering what he would do/say/nosh on if he was still around (he would've had a field day with the Derek drama!). But just when I thought the Chadlessness would be too much to bear, ABC surprised viewers with a very important, very hammy trailer for the third season of BiP. As E! Online points out, the new promo confirms what show creator Mike Fleiss had hinted at a few weeks ago: Chad will be on Bachelor in Paradise.

Yes, Chad will be back on our TV sets at the end of this summer. The 14-second, Chad-tastic preview for the upcoming season of BiP made me break into such a sweat, you would’ve thought the former Bachelorette hopeful was in the room with me. Needless to say, I had a lot of thoughts, feelings, and questions. Here are some of those thoughts, feelings, and questions:

  • Two seconds in, and we have ourselves a meat pun. Real happy about it.
  • I repeat: There’s a meat pun. And I'm real happy about it.
  • What can I say? I love each and every corny pun The Bachelor gives us.
  • Do you know what else I love? Chad pawing at a plate of ham.
  • And this promo has plenty of ham pawing.
  • And don’t get me started about that piece of lunch meat that flies out of Chad’s mouth!
  • OK, fine: That piece of lunch meat that flies out of Chad’s mouth is the breakout star of the trailer.
  • Someone give that freejumping shred of meat an award for its performance.
  • “You know you like me.” Hey, he’s not wrong.
  • You know what else I like? That parrot that lets out a squawk before it flies away.
  • Where’s that parrot going?
  • Oo! I have a guess: to Paradise.
  • I wonder if that parrot and Chad will form an alliance on BiP.
  • Will Chad and the parrot be the new Clare/raccoon duo? We should be so lucky!
  • What can I say? I love each and every corny human/animal friendship Bachelor in Paradise gives us.
  • I also happen to be a big fan of that post-smoothie sip sneer.
  • *Pours out a drop of protein shake in honor of the chain pull-up belt.*
  • *Pours out a drop of protein shake in honor of the patio pull-up.*
  • *Pours out the rest of the protein shake in honor of the protein powder in the suitcase.*

If ABC, I don’t know, decided to cobble together a 40-minute montage of Chad's aggressive grins, Chad's aggressive glares, Chad's aggressive lurking, Chad's aggressive truth bombs, and Chad's aggressive craft services snackfests, I wouldn’t not watch it on repeat.

Image: Rick Rowell/ABC