Hey Jared Leto, Please Don't Let A Possible Oscar Change You
This Oscar Sunday, we will learn whether or not Best Supporting Actor nominee Jared Leto received the most votes from the Academy. There’s definitely a chance he and his glorious ombré mane will walk away from the ceremony a winner. I don’t want to throw jinxy vibes out into the universe or anything, but dude’s been snatching trophies up this awards season. Will I guarantee a Leto win? No, because like, who am I? I don’t know who/which movies will take home statuettes, and I don’t need anyone coming after me being like, “I lost $400 in my Oscar pool because of your ‘guarantees,’ you snot rag!” I can't handle that kind of pressure.
Where was I? Ah yes, The Leto. Jared Leto. Could be an Oscar victor. If he does win, my only wish is that pre-Oscars Jared Leto and post-Oscars Jared Leto are one in the same, because like, it might shatter my entire being if winning were to change who he was. Does winning actually change people, or is that just a "thing" people say? IDK. I wrote a letter regardless. Here it is:
A Letter to Jared Leto Before Oscar Sunday
Dear Jared Leto,
Wait, what do I call you? Jared? Jared Leto? Mr. Leto? J-Let? Jare-Bear? Leto-rama? LMK which moniker you prefer.
If you win an Oscar, I will be so happy for you. I will probably jump up from my couch and do some celebratory body rolls. I have had a crush on you for god knows how long, so yeah, I’m pulling for you. Oh wait. I think I know exactly when the crush began. When I saw this scene from My So-Called Life:
WOOOOO buddy. Jordan Catalano is in the house!
I know My So-Called Life happened almost 20 years ago. I know you're not Jordan Catalano. But like...
Yes, you made several movies after that. And yes, I was transfixed by your blue, blue eyes every time. But my crush took a turn for the rabid when 30 Seconds to Mars was born. OH MY GOD. I’ve only ever purchased one video on iTunes. That video is “The Kill.” Why did I buy it? Because you starring in a Shining-inspired music vid is something so good I still am uncertain if any of us deserve it and I need to have it on my person at all times (also, I don’t believe VEVO was a thing yet):
I watched 30 Seconds To Mars' set at Lollapalooza. I told my friend that we would "see Jordan Catalano's set... OR ELSE." My friend sensed there was a chance I'd make good on that ultimatum, so we pushed and shoved to get as close as we could to the stage. You threw popsicles into the crowd. I did not catch one. To this day, I am disappointed in myself for not being closer to the popsicle zone.
Tossing popsicles at your fans when it's a hot and humid summer day? Wonderful. So wonderful. G'bless you.
You obviously hold the key to my heart. Exhibit A: you and 30 Seconds To Mars went ahead and covered a Björk song on A Beautiful Lie.
And as if you were worried there was a chance the aforementioned "key to my heart" might not work, you did this:
A SECOND KEY. YOU HAVE NOT ONE, BUT TWO KEYS TO MY HEART.
Third key's a charm:
If you win an Oscar, I hope it doesn't mean you'll stop covering the best songs or throwing popsicles or making really intense/complex music videos or flipping pancakes for Instagram. Just be you for forever.
Eh,who am I kidding? Being nominated for an AcadAw won't change you, and winning an AcadAw wouldn't change you. More than likely, I’m getting myself worked up in a tizzy over nothing. (More than likely, part two: I just wanted an excuse to watch my favorite Leto vids.)