Never Fear, Britain, Trump Is Here

All the "Remain" Brits, from London to Edinburgh, are up in arms over the unexpected results of the Brexit vote Thursday. They're worried about the U.K.'s potential diminished influence in the world, a low-performing currency, and an exodus of jobs to the politically and economically interconnected Continent. But have no fear, Brits, for America is here! As Jody Rosen, a New York Times Magazine contributing writer alluded to on Twitter, we're soon to elect our own Brexit-backing (half) Scotsman to the White House. Britain may no longer be part of the European Project, but our special relationship could save the day.

Just imagine the possibilities. Britain can close the drawbridge with Europe and extend a side hug across the Atlantic to the friendly folk (English speakers!) of the great U.S. of A. Pres. Obama has said the U.K. will be at the "back of the queue" on trade, but presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump would love to welcome his fellow xenophobes that are just looking to "re-declare their independence." He'd send a delegation straight from his inauguration to sign the deal. Trump might even send them on his very own Trump Force One. Perhaps he'll even include some Made-in-America tea, gin, and Worcestershire sauce to show America respects the culture of its former rulers.

Instead of belonging to European single market, the U.K. can take Mexico's place in NAFTA — they won't even need to change the initials if they went with North Atlantic Free Trade Agreement. For Brits, it would be lovely. Instead of French brie and Italian pinot grigios, Wisconsin cheddar and California white zinfandel will line the shelves of Tesco. Meat will suddenly drop in price at the supermarket too when factory farm-raised pork and poultry reach Britain's shores. I hear antibiotics and hormones make beef taste better. Not to mention GMO corn and soy beans.

Then there's security. We haven't heard much about the War on Terror or the axis of evil as of late. With Britain's help, Trump could definitely give fighting "radical Islam" a go. The U.K. could tell Merkel to stick it, as they'd have Trump's backing to keep out Syrian and Iraqi refugees for good. In exchange, they'd just have to pull their weight and pay their fare share in NATO. Perhaps it'd add up, but think of all the new possibilities of a two-nation coalition reengaging in the Middle East with the full support of the military-industrial complex and taxes to support it.


Also there's that pesky European Court of Justice constantly trying to shield Europeans and their internet data from prying American eyes. Not to mention protecting the rights of undocumented migrants. Who needs the ECJ? Trump would be totally fine with imposing U.S. Supreme Court decisions on Britain. There have been so many great ones lately. Immigrants on both sides of the Atlantic could fear their wrath, especially when Trump nominates a justice to replace Scalia. Just think about the new restrictions on abortion rights that Londoners could enjoy.

This is truly just the beginning. Why stop at free trade and security agreements? We've been talking about adding a 51st island state for a while. Why not you, Britain? You'd be a welcome addition. Please don't worry, Brits. We've got you covered. Join up with the A-Team, and our awesome labor laws, environmental protections, and institutionalized racism can be yours. Trade in Brussels red tape for Washington patriot missiles. You'll never find a better partner than Trump's America. We'll get back to you after Trump formerly declares our re-independence (but not from you this time).