Sunday night, Cate Blanchett scooped up the Academy Award for Best Actress for her extraordinary performance in Blue Jasmine. It was the opposite of an upset, as she was more or less a lock the instant that movie wrapped. I mean, did you see Blue Jasmine? She was a force of freakin’ nature. A hurricane demolishing everything and everyone in sight. And though her win was a no-brainer, Blanchett's shoutout to Julia Roberts during her acceptance speech was an “Excuse me, uh whaaat?” moment. After a few gracious and genuine words about the other nominees, she looked at Roberts and said, “Julia, hashtag suck it. You know what I mean.”
Backstage, Blanchett sort of explained this remark: “It happened in the bar with Ms. Roberts, and that’s all I’m prepared to say.” An inside joke. And not just any inside joke. An inside joke between two Oscar-winners. An inside joke between America’s Sweetheart and Queen Elizabeth. An inside joke with “suck it” as its punchline. I must get to the bottom of this.
As if the inside joke wasn't enough, Blanchett also let an F-word fly on CNN: When a post-show reporter brought up Blanchett being the first Australian to win two Oscars, she interjected, “And don’t you fucking forget it.” The reporters went nuts, I went nuts, CNN was like, “AUGHHHHHH!” Dude, live TV is the best thing ever. There are two things that can happen on live TV that make laugh always: the F-word and flatulence. Farts are funny because DUH. As for the F-word? Well, I imagine every time an unexpected F-word is uttered on live TV, absolute pandemonium ensues behind-the-scenes: “NOT THE F-WORD! NOOOOOOOO! WHY ISN’T THIS ON DELAAAAAAY?!” (Tears hair out, gnashes teeth, faints.) Yep. Live TV F-words amuse me because of the scenarios I create in my mind. Cool huh?
Blanchett didn’t pass gas (had that happened, I would be writing this from my grave), but she did toss an F-word out into the world. I will cherish it always. Thank you for sharing it with us, CNN.
I apologize, I was temporarily distracted by Blanchett dropping an F-bomb on live TV. There is another very important matter that I must attend to: WHAT DID HASHTAG SUCK IT MEAN?!?! What happened in the bar between Roberts and Blanchett? I didn't give it enough attention before. I must try to deduce what transpired.
A few guesses:
- They wagered whether or not Pink would do any Cirque Du Soleil stunts during her performance. (Blanchett won the bet.)
- There was a Roberts vs. Blanchett dance battle. Roberts tore the roof off of the place when she slid across the floor on her head and effortlessly transitioned into The Worm. She pantomimed a mic drop, looked Blanchett dead in the eye, and said, “Hashtag suck it.”
- Blanchett gave Roberts an Altoid, and Roberts immediately chewed it up. Blanchett said, “If you want to get the best breath-freshening results, you have to suck on the mint.” Blanchett handed her another mint and Roberts said, “Whatever you say. Hashtag suck it.” They cackled.
- Blanchett asked the bartender for “a Bud Heavy,” and he informed her that Roberts ordered the last Budweiser. Blanchett whipped her head around and saw Roberts chugging Budweiser straight from the bottle. Blanchett stared her down. Roberts winked at her and laughed, “HASHTAG SUCK IT.”
- Roberts and Blanchett commandeered the bar jukebox (shh. In my mind, the Oscars bar has a jukebox), and wouldn't let anyone else pick songs. "We're only playing the hits," Blanchett told one actor. "We want to DANCE." Another actor wasn't happy about this situation. He tried to persuade them to let him choose a song, failed, and yelled "HASHTAG SUCK IT" as he stormed off. Roberts and Blanchett scream-laughed at his tantrum.
Oh, the Blanchett/Roberts dance battle I've dreamed up? It's giving me a new lease on life.