'The Bachelor': Live-Blogging this season's "Women Tell All"

Last week gave us not two, but four hours of The Bachelor to sink our teeth into. First, Renee was sent home after the hometown visits, which seems cruel considering she'd just been there days before. Then Andi, the smartest cookie left on the dessert tray, gave her 10 minutes notice and peaced out before Juan Pablo could kick her out. (You know, for insolence.)

Next week America will find out whether Juan Pablo chooses the buxom blonde or the buxom blonde, but tonight we have something even better — all 25 other women, reunited on stage for a NO HOLDS-BARRED gabfest that will touch on all the drama, intrigue, and horrifying kissing we've borne witness to over the last however many weeks (really, this whole show is a daze). Anyway, without further ado — your live-blog:

9:28pm: NEXT WEEK NEXT WEEK

Kat says that it's "anyone's game," regretting immediately using the word "game" to describe the intricacies of this show. "Next week's finale is something we've never seen before," says Chris Harrison, which legally makes sense for an episode of television that has never before aired.

Clare and Nikki try on dresses, describe what it might be like to hear a proposal. "That woman is all in!" says one of JP's family members about Nikki, or Clare, or maybe both of them. Crying. Tears. Salty discharge. A man in a suit, marching to face his destiny.

"You don't want to miss it," says Chris. And we won't, because we'll be live-blogging it!

9:20pm: BLOOPERS

  • The car-boat runs out of gas
  • Everybody dances
  • JP refers to his daughter as his "little package"
  • One of the Lady photos falls over and breaks
  • Renee is knocked out by a light
  • "Ees okay" montage
  • Kelly's dog pees in the pool
  • JP leaves for a Rose Ceremony in his pink undies

9:16pm: The Airing of Grievances

Andi's upset that JP never used the word "marriage" or "husband" as he was getting to know the girls. JP says he wasn't going to ask silly magazine questions.

Sharleen feels that he WAS interested in the women and their histories, but also worries she doesn't speak for everybody.

Kelly, "Dog Lover," has something to say. UH-OH IT'S THE GAY COMMENT. Kelly's dad is gay. And then the Drunk Girl begs JP to stop using "English is my second language" as a crutch. JP says, again, that he was misquoted... or, in any case, the quote was taken out of context. Sharleen once again defends JP. Maybe they'll wind up together after all?!?

9:05pm: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Juan Pablo!"

The women in the stands all clap. The women on the show DO NOT SO MUCH. Chris dives right into the hindsight JP may have accumulated since leaving the show. JP reiterates that he'd rather be honest (or "honest," depending on your perspective) than try to play a part.

"No regrets?" "No regrets." LADIES, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?!?

Lauren, the piano player, wishes that he'd been honest about his "kissing/no kissing" rule. RUH-ROH. JP brings up the fact that we never learned about Renee's ex-boyfriend, someone who crushed her son. Then Cassandra suggests that JP should have let Renee go before the hometown visit.

On the subject of his "special ones," i.e. the two moms on the show. JP notes that being a dad makes him consider women differently, which honestly doesn't seem crazy. Andi defends him. "There's things I like and things I don't like." "Ees okay." Actually a wonderful exchange between JP and Andi!

8:55pm: Let's revisit Andi's "Fantasy Suite Nightmare"

First of all, nightmare is a strettttttttttch. Second of all, Andi is probably going to be the next Bachelorette. So let's not feel so bad for the lady, who basically discovered — as so many have before — that their partner isn't exactly who they want them to be. Learning that JP is narcissistic isn't exactly discovering the guy has Nazi sympathies.

On the other hand, it's nice to get a truly honest moment that acknowledges what this show is ostensibly about: finding a person who complements you, matches your emotional wants and needs. And we shouldn't brush past that moment being trampled, dishonored. Maybe it's not BIG like, oh, having sex in the ocean and then shaming the woman... but in love (or the quest for love, anyway), it's sort of everything. "Do you think he took in anything you were saying?" "He'd just keep saying 'ees okay,' 'ees okay,' 'ees okay.'"

8:45pm: Oh hey, Renee!

Same montage of her time on the show, which just reinforces what a sweet and wonderful lady Renee seems to be and what a bummer it is that Renee was cut over some of these other ladies (ahem, Clare and Nikki).

"It's hard to watch. It's tough." Chris Harrison asks Renee if she loved him. She did. But she acknowledges that whatever she could have said... that wouldn't necessarily have changed his feelings. None of the other women can even roll their eyes at Renee, who was undeniably the kindest and most valuable woman on the show. Think of all the therapy sessions she ran for the other girls in the house.

She's in a "happy situation" now, so it's all good. WE LOVE YOU, RENEE.

8:28pm: What happened, Sharleen?

Chris Harrison notes that she was one of the "most intriguing contestants ever," which I'd strongly debate. But this show's got to sell these things however it sees fit.

Just like us, Sharleen watches the montage of kissing scenes through her fingers. Which honestly raises her human profile considerably! "Why did you say goodbye?" asks Chris Harrison. "At one point you said you wish you were dumber." OUCH, JP. Sharleen acknowledges that they had a strong physical connection, and maybe less an intellectual one. Some of the other women who aren't flat-out dumb scoff a little at the notion that Sharleen was the "smart one," which would probably rankle me, too. Andi's a lawyer, for instance. The Laker cheerleader probably doesn't have much to be mad at.

All the girls, too, acknowledge that Sharleen was THE ONE over the course of the show. Obvious to almost everyone but Sharleen, who had to be shown the footage 37 times before she understood what it was she was seeing.

Image: ABC