Everyone's Going to South By Southwest Except For You: 5 Reasons That's Okay

So, you're not going to South By Southwest. You know, the interactive, music, movie, social media clusterfestival of insanity, set to take over Austin, Texas this Friday, March 7 until Sunday, March 16? It's that multi-headed hydra luring all of TV, film, and beyond's finest to bask in the glory (and BBQ) that comes with entertaining and discussing the conference slash music festival slash film festival in the hippest place in Texas. Every reporter you know is going; every actor you love is going; every musician you're totally obsessed with? You guessed it! Going. Shit even Edward Snowden is going! But not you, lowly regularperson. You're not impressive/cool/financially savvy enough to attend such a soiree, so instead you'll be sitting at home on your computer, rapidly refreshing for updates like the rest of us. But that's OK! Promise.

Because for as cool, fun, exciting, and jam-packed as SXSW sounds, there are plenty of reasons to prove (or, you know, delude oneself) that it's likely better to be sitting this one out. Sure, all your cool friends will be Instagramming the shit out of some delicious TexMex while waiting in line to see St. Vincent next to the guys from Vampire Weekend. Or swilling whisky during an exclusive interview with Dan Harmon. Or sitting next to David Walton during a screening of Break Point while he cracks jokes about Jeremy Sisto's short-shorts. Or writing think pieces about Sequoia . Or giving Chelsea Clinton directions to the keynote panel for the Interactive portion of the festival. Which: sure! All of those things sound very exciting, hip, and cool. But there are benefits to leaving all that name-droppy silliness to other folks.

No Lines!

You know the best part about not going to SXSW? There ain't no lines on the Internet, baby! Who wants to queue their whole life away? Not us! And if we're certain about one thing, it's that the lines at SX are ferocious (especially for the musical performances). So even when you're feeling shitty about not attending SXSW, your tootsies are feeling great (and thank you for your kindness).

You'll Have Great WiFi Service

You know what happens when a bunch of tech-obsessed reporters, actors, writers, producers, movers, and shakers descend on a place? BYE BYE WIFI! The event is saturated with smartphones and perma-reporting types, meaning signal and service are few and far between. So! At least when they're all wallowing in misery at the hog-heavy event, you'll be sitting smugly at home, enjoying primo speeds and ease.

Sleep Will Be Yours For The Taking

You know what people don't do at SXSW? Sleep. And you know what not sleeping does? It ruins your brain. So, really, all this means is that — once SXSW is over — you're going to be scientifically and biologically more sound (and smarter) than your friends that went down to Texas. Win!

Someone Else Will Do All The Heavy Lifting

You know what's stressful? Having to coordinate, report on, and attend 10,000 different events in a very short amount of time. Not only is it a challenge, it's exhausting, trying, limiting, and takes all the fun out of it. You know what is fun? Sitting in your pajamas drinking an iced coffee while you watch the latest trailer from Bad Words on your laptop, free of scrutiny and a need to editorialize to anyone but yourself. Let someone else do all the work! You've earned it, by not going.

No Pretension

Let's be real: a lot of people that go to SXSW looooove to talk about how they go to SXSW. And like any long-running cultural touchstone, people have varying opinions about how "terrible" and "lame" and "corporate" the whole affair has become. When you don't go to SXSW you avoid having to deal with those people, bemoaning the festival at every turn. It's far easier to X out of a comment thread on the Internet than it is to escape their wrath in real life.