I'm a '90s kid through and through, so I'm enjoying the revival of Kurt Cobain-esque outfits and this newfound love for thrift store culture. But there are some '90s trends that I don't miss. In fact, there are some '90s trends that I hope stay buried six feet under, with no hopes of ever resurfacing. And if they do, I'll be waiting there with my shotgun, ready to shoot them in their zombie faces, Walking Dead-style. I'm that passionate about keeping these abhorrent looks from plaguing us and our happy lives once again.
It might sound a little crazy, but you'll hopefully understand what I'm talking about once you go over the list yourself. Things like Y2K-inspired pants and silver galactic outfits need to stay dead in naughties music videos, and the skater boy look of thermal tees and wide-legged cargo pants can just go straight back into hell. While there were a lot of amazing sartorial moves made in the '90s, there were also a lot of incredible misses.
So now we just need to pray that a designer won't want to play some sick joke on us by bringing them back for laughs. Below are 11 '90s trends I don't miss. Feel the pain with me.
1. Hardcore Monochrome Outfits
Call it the Clueless effect, but matching every part of your outfit to one concrete color was they style to follow during the '90s — something I'm very thankful we grew out of. Don't get me wrong: Brandy looks hot here. I'm just glad we've now updated our looks to include different shades of one hue rather than just single-blocking it.
2. Mechanic-Like Overalls
I live and breathe overalls, but I'm glad the grease monkey suit got an update into something a little more clean-lined and body-hugging. While I enjoy room to move, I don't necessarily want to feel like I'm buckling into a trapeze tent when I'm putting a romper on in the morning.
3. Shiny Material Pants
Remember when "Y2K fashion" was a thing? We were about to leave an old millennium behind, and by doing so we'd embark into the future. Most of us thought that we'd be living inside of spaceships and growing cabbage on Mars come 2005, so galactic-inspired pants and dresses (a la TLC) became super popular. Thankfully, we've settled down since then.
4. Striped Polo Shirts
Call it a Brady Brunch throwback, but I was never much into the retro color scheme of burnt orange and yellow, let alone popped collars and preppy '70s collared shirts. Let this look rest in peace, fashion gods. Don't get crafty and resurrect it when we're not looking.
5. The Skater Boy Moment
Ugh. Even though I had butterfly clips up the wazoo and usually went for heart-patterned dresses and two-piece sets, I, too, participated in the skater boy look back in my youth. I'm not sure what about cargo pants and thermal tees spoke to me, but they had a special place in my closet.
6. Teeny Tiny Sunglasses
Like... why? This reminds me of my sock-and-pool-sandal wearing uncle who'd come visit us from Poland some summers. Just him and his fanny pack, gelled head, and teeny, tiny sunglasses. So, you know, not the most stylish of combinations.
7. Matching Pant Sets
I owned a MILLION of these — and while at the time I felt so fresh and so fine while wearing them, this is a look that's best kept buried in history. It was so preppy and "Suburban Mom," yet preteen me thought she was the coolest kid in the hallway while strutting in her flared capris.
8. Colored Sunglasses
All I can think while looking at this is: Bono. Bono stole our Delia's look.
9. Highlighter Outfits
Neon outfits were like a law during the '90s, whereby a person had to own at least one rave-inspired piece or else be sentenced to jail without parole. But this highlighter-inspired look of head-to-toe neon was just straight offensive.
10. Brand Overload
Calvin Klein Vintage '90s Sportswear Sweatshirt, $29.60, Repeat Fashion Store/Etsy
While I'll bet that there are still plenty of offenders who wear head-to-toe branding today, at least it's not the preferred look anymore. From Destiny's Child to Aaliyah, people were dressing themselves up in nothing but giant label tags. We're so blessed that that has mostly stopped.
11. The Bandana Shirt Craze
Whether you wore it like a halter top or had a whole button-down crafted from the Hell's Angels staple, I'm super glad we moved past this whole bandana shirt craze. All we needed were some wrap-around sunglasses, gelled hair, and cargo pants, and we'd be set. And that is not a look I want to be championing.
So looking back, did you embrace any of these terrible, terrible looks? And can I see pictures?
Images: Columbia Pictures (1); Etsy (1); Versace (1); Delia's (4); Seventeen (3); Blues Soul (1)