You Need To See The Tonga Flag Bearer's Instagram

Have you, like the rest of the world, fallen head over heels for massage oil addict and Tonga flag bearer, Pita Taufatofua? Same. Taufatofua burst into our mass consciousness on Friday, Aug. 5, during the Rio Olympics opening ceremony, when he led his country's delegation shirtless and dunked in what looked like massage oil, like a slippery, flip-flop wearing Ken Doll. He wasn't totally naked though, of course: in the interests of national pride and not being in his birthday suit on international television, Taufatofua wore a ta'ovala, or Tongan mat.

If your first thought on seeing Taufatofua's glistening torso was, wow, here is a man who is skilled at carrying objects even while covered entirely in oil, then yes, this is definitely a thing Taufatofua can do. So, in the interests of thorough, in-depth journalism, I took one for the team and did a deep-dive on his Instagram. It turns out that Taufatofua has an illustrious history of holding many, many different things, and not just flags! And seriously, folks, he's a good one: If you need convincing, according to the website, Taufatofua "sacrificed his whole adult life working in homeless shelters with the underprivileged." You need to just stop, Pita Taufatofua. After you, how can anyone else be good enough?

Anyways. Here's a short history of times Taufatofua held things other than flags really well.

1. Taufatofua Held A Mobile Phone Better Than Anyone, Including A Mobile Phone Model

The obvious reason why Usain Bolt is giving him some angry side-eye. He's concerned Taufatofua's going to take his job next advert round, and rightly so.

2. He Held A Motorbike Handle While Waxing Lyrical About Making A Difference

Because he's masculine and empathetic. Too. Much.

3. He Held A Rope While Working Out

"There is nothing glamorous about two days of flexibility training in a garage." Umm, I beg to differ. Not from where I'm standing.

4. He Held A... Whatchamacallit

I've been to a gym maybe twice, ever. What do you call those things again? Ahem. I sense I might not be Pita Taufatofua's dream partner.

5. He Held An Olympic World Champion's Hand

At the age of 19, the Samoan-New Zealander professional boxer David Tua won a bronze medal at the 1992 Barcelona Olympics. And I'm sure that was nice. Probably not as nice as holding Pita Taufatofua's hand though.

6. He Held A Tray Of Healthy Delivery

Delivery without the double cheese pizza? Pita Taufatofua, you beautiful maniac.

7. He Held Puppies

Pita Taufatofua, you just need to stop. It's too much. It's all too much.

8. He Held An Inspirational Slogan

Because self-love means making, holding, and photographing an inspirational slogan that's about your success. Ditch the humblebraggery, haters.

9. He Held The Motor Of A New Boat

Because his Christmas, like his life, is better than yours. Sorry. But it's just true.

10. He Held An Honorary Black Belt

For services to tae kwan do that he received after an inspirational conversation with the head of tae kwan do, President Chung Won Choue. Have you ever wanted to be an inanimate object as much as you want to be the honorary black belt? Same.

11. He Held Two Pretty Ladies

He may be an Olympic opening ceremony flag-bearer, super serious about his gym routine, eating clean and doing voluntary work, but goddammit, he's human, too.

12. He Held Another Puppy

Because he's determined to haunt your dreams for the rest of measurable space and time. OK, OK. I submit.

13. He Held A Spear For Fishing

Because despite being born in Australia, he's got a passion for Tonga's traditions.

14. He Held Vitamin Supplements

Because he's twice as healthy as the average human.

15. He Held A Guitar

Because not only does he have time to maintain his superhuman body, do voluntary work, practice tae kwon do and eat clean, but he actually plays guitar. You know. Like you said you would one day, once you'd got through every single Spongebob Squarepants episode in existence.

16. He Held A Fish

Does this mean he's on Tinder?

17. He Held Tongs

Because he's Pita Taufatong-ua, goddammit.

I think we can all agree: the man is really good at holding things.