Which Britney Spears “Make Me” Remix Is Right For You? Here’s A Handy Dandy Guide

Pop music luminary and legendary perfumer Britney Spears has released not one, not two, but three different takes on the first single off of her to-be-released ninth album, and I am so grateful for this bountiful supply of club-ready tunes. Last Friday, Godney tweeted a link to a Spotify playlist that includes Glory tracks “Make Me…,” “Private Show,” and “Clumsy," plus it also showed up with a pile of remixes. I don't know about you, but the three remixes of Britney Spears's “Make Me..." by Cash Cash, Marc Stout and Tony Arzadon, and Tom Budin are just the things to hold me over until Glory drops on Aug. 26.

“But Kristie,” you interject. “Time is precious, time is money, and I only have time to listen to one of the 'Make Me…' remixes. Which one should I go with? Which one is the best?”

You only have time for one? Really? OK, whatever you say. Rather than argue with you about whether or not you're actually too busy to listen to three songs, I'll just address your second question first: As far as my ears are concerned, all of the remixes are the best and you cannot make me choose-ooh-ooh-ooh-oose. And as for your first inquiry, it truly depends on the situation. So do you know what I went and did? I created the definitive remix/scenario pairing list (read: I wrote down what came to mind when I listened to each song, super scientific stuff going on over here). Let's get to it.

Here's when to fire up the Cash Cash remix:

  • When you're walking near a body of water at sunset and the sky looks like rainbow sherbet.
  • When you're driving through one of those car washes that coat your car in rainbow sherbet-like foam.
  • When you're eating rainbow sherbet next to a strobe light.
  • When you're actually just a bucket of rainbow sherbet.
  • When you want to dance it out but you also want to take the occasional rainbow sherbet break.

Here's when to fire up the Tom Budin remix:

  • When you're trying to rally for the work week on Monday morning but you're out of coffee and you don't have time to stop by the coffee shop on the way to the office so you just have to power through your commute.
  • When you're doing flips off of the back of a pontoon boat that's posted up in the middle of a tree-lined lake.
  • When you're running late for your flight and you have to sprint to the other side of the airport to make it onto the plane. Once you get to your seat and catch your breath, you remember there's a bag of Famous Amos cookies in your carryon and you realize the day isn't a total stress mess after all.
  • When you stop organizing that one corner of your closet that you’ve let spiral out of control because you've unearthed a pair of Soaps that you were certain you lost and you spend the rest of the afternoon trying to not break your face while skating around in Soaps.
  • When you want to dance it out but you also want to put the dancing on hold every now and again so you can do some Soaps tricks.

Here's when to fire up the Marc Stout and Tony Arzadon remix:

  • When you're driving out of your office parking lot on Friday evening before a three-day weekend (i.e., you fee invincible).
  • When you're on the final leg of a jog around the neighborhood and you're exhausted but then you see a skunk and your adrenaline kicks in and before you know it you're sprinting harder than you've ever sprinted before.
  • When you're loading up a candy bag at Sweet Factory and you throw caution to the wind and only get gummy sharks.
  • When you've tripped on a chipped tile while walking through a shopping mall and though you didn't hurt yourself no less than four different strangers audibly reacted to your stumble so you need to listen to something that'll quickly pick up your mood.
  • When you live in Ex Machina and want to dance it out with a robot.

Hope this helped you make your choice! If not, maybe this is the droid you're looking for?

Simply moo-velous.