I feel like adulthood is nothing like what our parents and teachers taught us. As I got older, gained my independence, and eventually moved out on my own, reality slapped me in the face. All of the lies our teachers taught us in the '90s came to the surface, and I learned that my best isn't always good enough, people won't necessarily like me for who I am, and it wasn't actually the Tooth Fairy who slipped that fiver under my pillow while I was sleeping. Oh, the betrayal.
I've always been on the fence about teaching kids about life: Are you better off being honest, and avoiding giving them a false sense of security? Or are we supposed to sugarcoat the truth, and let them enjoy being a kid for a while? How can you strike a balance between the two? I don't know the answer, but I do know that I was utterly shocked when I sat in front of the microwave for two whole minutes and my brains didn't explode, contrary to what one teacher told me.
At the age of 28, I've hopefully uncovered every single lie, fib, and exaggeration my teachers ever told me. There are a few lies, however, that now seem particularly outrageous.
1. "But You NEED Math As An Adult!"
I'm not talking about the simple laws of arithmetic. I'm more so referring to these: "Jim is on a train traveling northeast at 50 miles per hour. Jill is cycling in the opposite direction. Her grandma had a turkey sandwich for lunch. Find X." No. Thank you, but no.
2. Threatening To Wash Our Mouths Out With Soap
Joke's on you, teach! I tried eating soap a week ago. Leave, and take your empty threats with you.
3. "If You Keep Making That Face, It'll Get Stuck That Way."
4. "Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover."
WHY DO BOOKS EVEN HAVE COVERS ,THEN?
5. "Santa Sees Everything You Do"
This was a cheap trick to get us to behave in school. Except little Billy Bobby stuck a booger under his desk, and Santa still brought him a Mighty Max.
6. "Tipping Back In Your Chair Will Lead To A Nasty Spill."
Lies. All lies. Don't underestimate a student's ability to balance their chair on two legs. It's a gift.
7. The Class Goldfish "Went To Live On A Farm Somewhere."
Never mind that quick trip you made to the bathroom carrying the fishbowl.
8. "Face To Face, And Leave Some Space."
This was the rule for school dances. Teachers would walk around policing students, making sure there was at least a foot between them, lest someone catch the cooties. Silly teachers. They apparently didn't know that everyone was making out behind the building after the dance had ended.
9. "I've Got Eyes In The Back Of My Head!"
False. Because when we pulled the history teacher's toupee off, we saw no eyes.
10. "Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right."
I mean, yeah, generally speaking being mean to someone is ill advised. But sometimes, this one goes right up there with the whole "Eat a watermelon seed and a watermelon will grow in your belly!" lie. GTFO.
11. "Your Nose Grows When You Lie."
Please. I lie every night when my mom asks me if I've washed my hands before dinner, and my nose is just fine.
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