Rob Lowe seems like an odd choice for a Comedy Central roast, right? Justin Bieber, I get. James Franco. Totally on board with that. Donald Trump. I mean, of course right? (Please never ever ever let us forget as long as we live that our Republican presidential nominee was roasted.) Nonetheless, the star of The Grinder, part of the infamous Brat Pack, and who I like to refer to most as Chris Traeger from Parks and Recreation, will be the newest roastee. I can't help but think, circling back around to Chris Traeger, how Chris (the world's most positive and healthy man) would react to this news. Or better yet, how he would react to the lineup of Rob Lowe roasters.
Because Chris Traeger is literally amazing and literally so upbeat — except for when he went through therapy and understandably cried a lot and we all found out that he was actually super depressed inside — I think it's worth it to imagine what he would say to all of this. According to the lineup of roasters, there are some — how do I say this nicely, like in a Chris Traeger way? — smart, successful, but literally very random people participating. Ann Coulter? Peyton Manning? Jewel? Take a look at the full list to see what I mean:
A lineup to be remembered. Or one for us to just indefinitely scratch our heads at. Until it all goes down, here's a necessary speculation of what Chris Traeger would say to all of Rob Lowe's roasters. You asked for it. OK, you didn't, but I'm giving it to you anyway.
"You’re a smart, successful British man with an adorable little belly."
"As city manager, I play no favorites, but as a private citizen, I’m free to support whomever I choose. And I support Team Coulter, because they’re the best! Everybody’s the best. We’re all winners.”
"If Pete were a bag of flour, that flour would never grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted loaf of bread. Much less a bran muffin, which is the highest honor flour can achieve."
"Nikki Glaser, you’re beautiful! On the inside… where your spirit lives."
"Goodbye, Jewel, my faithful songstress. Hello, Jewel my roast princess."
"The Karate Kid is literally the greatest character in the Western canon."
"Peyton Maning's body is like mine. We have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study us say our hearts can pump jet fuel up into an airplane."
"I'm 100 percent certain that I am 0 percent sure of what I am going to do when Rob Riggle speaks."
"Jeff Ross, you are literally the meanest person I have ever met."
"David Spade! There’s no more tissue. Everything ends. Everything goes away."
That last one was literally the most beautiful and moving thing that I have ever heard. Catch Rob Lowe's roast when it premieres on Labor Day, and after that, let's start a petition to get Chris Traeger roasted next. Don't tell me that wouldn't be incredible.
Images: NBC; Giphy (10)