Rick Perry Will Be On 'Dancing With The Stars'

Most people give up their aspirations long before they get to see their name suspended in lights. Which is why it's so inspirational to hear that the hard work has paid off, and Rick Perry will be on Dancing with the Stars this upcoming season. There's no drop of doubt in my heart that Perry's life thus far has been a series of political ploys building toward the actualization of his deep-seated passion for dance. That time the then-governor of Texas signed an abortion restriction bill that contributed to the closing of 37 clinics — which was passed even after Wendy Davis' inspirational filibuster in defense of women's reproductive rights — was actually just a sublimation of his fine-tuned ability to pop, lock, and drop it.

While many people might assume that Perry's two failed presidential runs set back his platform of looking teenagers deep in the eyes while saying, "From my own personal life, abstinence works," his true platform has always been the freedom to lasso a blouse above his head while grinding on a bar table. Back when there was an environmentally catastrophic BP oil spill and Perry cryptically said, "From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented," the act of God he was referring to was his inevitable display of unbridled dance passion on DWTS.

That time Perry blocked a bill expanding veteran healthcare rights and access to education in 2014 was just him playing his veteran-loving cards close to his chest, as he knew he'd eventually secure the platform to unbutton his collar and artfully flay his arms on the behalf of his fellow veterans all across the nation. After all, as he proclaimed in his DWTS confirmation tweet, "I’m dedicated to helping #veterans however possible, and I’m going to use @dancingabc as a stage to do that."

For those who may have forgotten, Perry once blatantly compared homosexuality to alcoholism:

I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that — and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.

At the time, that may have seemed bigoted or misguided, but it's nothing dancing to a remix of Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" won't cure.

Yes, there are people who will disrespect Perry's long-hidden need to feel the oxygen course through his body while a far more qualified dancer dips him under a floodlight. Haters are bound to make obvious connections between the fact that our current Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump, was on reality television, and how Perry, in lieu of failing a bid for presidency, will now be entering the world of reality television.

But you know what? The haters don't know Perry's secret dance-loving heart, they don't know about all the times he's practiced footwork in the mirror while bawling before signing another oppressive bill into office. Let the man dance — and maybe, just maybe, he'll waltz right out of politics.