Which Of Sabrina's Besties Was The Best BFF?

Sabrina The Teenage Witch was a comedy so unique and special, it's hard to find a modern day comparison. ABC's TGIF line-up, I bow to your unsurpassed majesty. But, devoted Sabrina acolytes may recall one pretty bizarro blip in the show's overall plot: In Season 1, Sabrina was rarely without her best friend Jennifer Kelly, who was unmistakeable with her mass of tumbling curls and her sardonic humor. However, in Season 2, Jenny vanished off the face of the planet with zero explanation, and Sabrina suddenly found a best friend, Valerie Birkhead. Val was great, don't get me wrong — but what happened to Jenny? How did Sabrina not ask even one question about her former bestie's whereabouts? And, perhaps most importantly, are we to believe Jenny was so replaceable?

Now, I am definitely not in the business of pitting any woman against another. But I have to ask, since Jenny was so easily replaced in the series, was Valerie just a superior bestie? Or, was Jenny the actual Supreme? I had to investigate. This weirdo Freaky Friday best friend swap deemed it necessary. I mean, Valerie and Jenny aren't even anything alike: Whereas Jenny gave off kind of Brooklyn-esque, future Bustle editor vibes, Valerie was a bit more conformist, pop culture-savvy, and much more insecure. While Jenny would drop Daria-esque one-liners between bites of pizza, Valerie was more likely to ask Sabrina's advice on how to get some guy to notice her. They were as different as night and day.

So, who was the bestest bestie Sabrina ever best friended? Let's take a look:

Popularity

Jenny was rigorously liberal in her politics, and pretty strident about her opinions. Valerie was desperate to be popular and relentlessly brown-nosed the evil (but wonderful, imho) Libby Chessler. As a result, both enjoyed similarly despondent levels of popularity, making them the perfect fit for the role of rebel outsider Sabrina's best friend. I'm afraid this one's a tie, folks.

Jenny - 0, Valerie - 0

Gullibility

Remember how secretive Sabrina had to be about her witchy tendencies? Any mortal who found out that Sabrina was a witch would get turned into a mouse, so... yeah, it was a big deal. But, as a witch-in-training living in the Mortal Realm, Sabrina was prone to slip-ups. This meant if you wanted to be a great best friend for Sabrina, you'd need to believe lots of ridiculous lies. Luckily, both Jenny and Valerie were pretty gullible, but who was the most gullible?

Well, on Jenny's end, she once accidentally stepped into the linen closet during a sleepover with Sabrina, and ended up in the Other Realm where she was turned into a grasshopper. With a bit of help from Sabrina, she eventually was turned back into being a human being, and our favorite blonde witch was able to convince her that the whole thing was just a dream. Um, yeah, so pretty gullible.

On Val's end, things were a bit different. In one episode, Valerie fell under the influence of a spell Sabrina accidentally cast, and she ended up becoming more and more like her bestie — so much so that she bleached her hair blonde and even gained magical powers. When Sabrina saved the day, she managed to convince Valerie and her family that Valerie was being delusional. LOL.

OK, while Jenny was fairly easily convinced she dreamt turning into a grasshopper, Sabrina managed to convince Valerie she never had magic powers, and that is insane. So, this one goes to Valerie. Sorry, Vals.

Jenny - 0, Valerie - 1

Wit

Allow me a Hallmark moment: Sabrina's magic wasn't just because she had literal supernatural powers, but it was also in her ability to make a funny joke, even during the most extreme of circumstances. Based off this, it's clear that humor was an important quality for Sabrina's bestie to possess. And sure, Valerie was funny, but not haha funny — she was more awkward laughter because oh God Val, you're a beautiful tropical fish and will grow into your clumsiness one day. Jenny, however, was funny. Dry, mean funny. For example, this exchange from Season 1:

Jenny: Everything Libby says is a lie.

Sabrina: Hey, maybe we can retaliate by spreading lies about her.

Jenny: What can we say? That she’s actually nice and sweet?

Ahh, Jenny. Good one.

Jenny - 1, Valerie - 1

'90s Fashion

If you wanted to roll with Sabrina, who pretty much perpetually wore chokers, you had to be up to date on your '90s fashion. Valerie possessed all the hits of the decade: that huge hairclip we all used to claw our hair back for some reason, dark lipstick, and The Rachel hair-do. Valerie's style, I salute you.

But, how could she ever compete with the DGAF vibes of one Jennifer Kelly's wardrobe? Remember how in Season 1, Episode 4, Sabrina bumped into Libby at school and discovered they were wearing the exact same outfit, so she ran into the bathroom to zap herself into something different? Yeah, that didn't work so well, because she left the restroom only to find Jenny had legitimately thought up the outfit first These ladies were so synced up, even their weirdo '90s outfits (unintentionally) matched.

Jenny - 2, Valerie - 1

Sure, I'm a biased twerp who loves Jenny to death and will never get over her disappearance, but trust me, there's no conspiracy here: This is just science. The things Sabrina Spellman truly needed in a best friend — wit, lack of popularity and '90s fashion — were qualities found in one person, Miss Jennifer Kelly. Sabrina, I know you're sorry — but, if you'd like to repent, I will accept the following as an apology: Flowers, candy, and '90s bandanas. Thank you.

Images: Viacom Productions (3); Giphy (2)