VH1 Says Kate Upton is More Than Her Chest, As If We Needed to Be Told

Newsflash: Kate Upton need not be defined by her chest! In a super misguided attempt to not objectify the supermodel, VH1 published a condescending article titled "What We'd Think of Kate Upton If She Was Flat-Chested."

The thesis? If Kate Upton were flat-chested, we'd apparently think of her as a person instead of just two breasts floating in front of a person-like object. Only flat-chested women are allowed to do things like dance and "be one of the guys" (Tia Williams' words, not ours) and wear sneakers. Kate Upton does all these things, but we've never noticed before because we were too busy drooling over her cleavage.

I see what Tia Williams is trying to do here, I really do. She's trying to write an article that says "Hey! We can love Kate Upton, boobs or no boobs!" But what that headline (which, to be fair, her editors may have chosen) suggests is that a woman with large breasts is breasts first, human being second. It says that we need Kate Upton to be flat-chested in order to focus on these other aspects of her personality. And I have a serious problem with that.

Williams tries to make up for this by claiming that she won't be fetishizing Kate Upton's breasts, then goes on to fetishize Kate Upton's breasts.

"Upton’s boobs are uber-fetishized. We get it; they’re massive, and lush, and flawlessly shaped, and perky. They deserved to be studied at the Smithsonian Institute."

Um, what? Please don't describe breasts as "massive" and "lush" ever. Things get slightly better from here, but not by much.

"It seems that Kate’s breasts are so larger than life, they can sometimes dwarf the women they’re attached to!
No fair. Kate Upton’s one of our hugest celeb crushes, and her rack has nothing to do with it. She’s charitable, she’s sporty, she dances her ass off, and we love every second. Check out the top 10 reasons we’d love Kate Upton, even if she wore an A-cup!"

In short, aren't we all amazing for recognizing that Upton has value beyond her breasts?!!! And I especially enjoy the implication that women who actually wear an A-cup are inherently less lovable than women with "massive" and "lush" boobs well-meaning fans must struggle to see beyond.

Skip Bolen/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

I love Kate Upton's boobs as much as the next person, but what I really love about her is her refusal to be pigeon-holed. Sure, she's conventionally hot as hell, but models like Upton don't typically appear on runways or fashion magazines. She could have stayed put, relegated to the cover of Sports Illustrated 's Swimsuit Edition for all of eternity. But instead, she decided to become a high-fashion model and a brand spokesperson, and kept going even after a gossip website claimed she was too fat for the runway.

Plus, she's made a lot of women — myself included — proud of their natural curves for the first time. So, yes, Kate Upton's boobs are kind of a big deal, but they do not "dwarf the woman they're attached to" by any means.

The headline and article amount to a serious feminist fail for VH1, which is unsurprising given that they recently published an insensitive slideshow dedicated to pregnant Scarlett Johansson's breasts. We get the picture, VH1 — boobs first, people second. No more faux-feminism necessary.