"Sexercize" With Kylie Minogue

Did you feel a change in the planet’s atmosphere Wednesday morning? You did? Me too. The cause: Kylie Minogue unleashed the “Sexercize” music video. The song (cowritten by Sia) is a fun, "tongue-in-cheek," dance-worthy innuendo-fest from the pop superstar's new album Kiss Me Once , and I’m all about it. As for the sexy exercise "Sexercize" video? WOO, boy. Director Will Davidson upped the goddamned ante. The vid is “Partition”-level hot. Steering wheel in an Arizona summer hot. But hey, the song is called “Sexercize." What else would you expect? Minogue and her crew of backup dancers working it out while they work out in leotards and high heels feels right.

Minogue also launched sexercize.tv. The site features several more music videos for the song, as well as Sextrology (yes, that is “Sexercize”-themed astrology) and other creative content.

While I watched “Sexercize” for the first time, I jotted down my thoughts. Here they are:

0:00 A Parental Advisory warning? Let's do this.

0:09 This doesn’t seem too scandalous. A little skin never hurt nobody!

0:13 Do I sense beat drop on the horizon?

0:15 THERE IT IS.

0:17 Are cages a big part of sexercize??? I’ve never sexercized, so I know next to nothing about it.

0:25 Oh, crap. I didn’t realize she was working out in heels. I definitely can’t handle sexercize.

0:27 If someone handed me a pair of high heels and said, “Walk in a straight line,” I’d probably end up with a broken everything.

0:35 Ugh I love an exercise ba—hold up. Are these exercise balls or sexercize balls?!?

0:38 Kylie Minogue is standing on a gymnastics balance thing while she wears high heels. I think it’s called a pommel horse. Anyway, she’s a goddess among mortals.

0:39 How many times do you think the exercise balls tried to roll away while they were shooting this vid?

0:41 [Fans self]

0:43 Whoa. If I tried to do this, I’d look like a frog. Not even a sexy frog. Just a frog. (No offense to frogs.)

0:46 She climbed up that ladder cage thing in her heels???

0:46 Excuse me, BUT IS SHE FLOATING?!?!

0:59 Once again, I am reminded of how uncoordinated I am when wearing heels.

1:01 [Pauses video for 15 seconds, does a few squats]

1:10 To answer my question from earlier: Yes, cages are in fact a big part of sexercize.

1:15 [Fans self]

1:21 [Pauses video for another 15 seconds, does some more squats]

1:25 HOW DID SHE POP UP ONTO THE POMMEL HORSE LIKE THAT!?

1:28 Oh, I did that “stretch out over the exercise ball” move in Pilates class yesterday. Whoops, sorry about the brag, but I can’t help it. Feeling pretty cocky right now.

1:52 I love a good striking of a pose.

1:56 I also love a good whip of the hair to the beat.

1:59 I’m not breathing right now.

2:00 Still not breathing.

2:02 Given up on breathing ever again.

2:03 What is breathing?

2:04 I’m lightheaded.

2:05 I’m passing out now.

2:10 I’m back and oh god I can’t breathe again.2:12 I’m passing out a second time.

2:14 Okay, I’m back. I wish someone would bring me an oxygen mask.

2:17 I’m really trying to keep it together.

2:21 Shoot, I’m passing out yet again.

2:32 I’m back, just in time to see her do another head whip.

2:40 [Passes out, computer takes a nap, yet “Sexercize” somehow keeps playing on a loop]

Here’s the video (it’s NSFW):

Worried the video will be too much for your heart to handle, but you want to hear the song? Here’s a PG live performance:

Bounce bounce.