How To Be The Ideal Woman According To Mike Pence’s Policies, Because He Knows You Better Than You Know Yourself

Tuesday's vice presidential debate brought to the table several important issues. And it was during this debate that I finally realized what candidates like Mike Pence expect of me. Thanks to the ongoing discussion of matters like reproductive rights, employment, income, sexuality, and gender identity over the last several years, capped off by yesterday's debate, I've now got a crystal clear picture of the ideal woman, and how to embody her, according to Mike Pence's policies.

Mike Pence knows women. He knows women better than most men. In fact, he knows women better than most women, given that he's made various comments on things like whether we belong in the home or in the office, reproductive rights, and his own wife. What can we say? The guy a gift. Ladies, we all know how confusing it is to be a woman. How do I balance a checkbook? Am I supposed to wipe front to back or back to front? Where does the tampon go? We've got so many important things on our minds — PTA meetings, successfully shaving our knees, trying to keep the inside of the microwave clean — that we need guidance from an older white man like Mike Pence.

How exactly should women behave in order to please those cultural ideals set forth by the people — white men — who know women best? Well don't you worry your pretty little head, because Mike Pence is here to tell you what the perfect woman is. Don't think about it. In fact, forget that you ever had your own mind at all.

She Knows Her Place In The Home


Career? Paycheck? Utter these words to the Ideal Woman According To Mike Pence, and all she hears is, "Blah blah blah, dysfunctional family." After all, in a 1997 op-ed for The Indianapolis Star, Pence wrote, "Sure, you can have it all, but your day-care kids get the short end of the emotional stick." The Ideal Woman wants her kids to have only the best end of the emotional stick. Inside her home. Where the only thing she's allowed to say is, "Of course, dear. I'll go fetch your slippers."

She Protects Herself And Her Family Against The Demons Of Society


It's war! It's famine! Just kidding. It's non-heterosexuality. The Ideal Woman passionately rebels against the repugnant and viral strain of LGBTQIA+ — because as Pence once put it, the "deterioration of marriage and family" indicates "societal collapse." Indeed, his 2000 congressional campaign website noted that “Congress should oppose any effort to put gay and lesbian relationships on an equal legal status with heterosexual marriage.” If the Ideal Woman owned her own business, she would dutifully refuse service to gross non-hetero couples — because Pence signed a bill protecting her right to legally discriminate against people different from her. (Too bad he later had to amend it.)

Luckily, the Ideal Woman will have limited exposure to those heathens since she doesn't work.

She Has Superhuman Ovaries


The Ideal Woman According to Mike Pence is so gifted that she doesn't need regular gynecological exams. She suffers from no issues connected to menstruation, intercourse, pregnancy, hormones, STDs, or otherwise. In fact, she's not even human. The Ideal Woman thinks it's splendid that Mike Pence defunded Planned Parenthood in his state, because birth control? Affordable and easily accessible health care? Who needs it?

After all, that's why so many women have taken to Twitter in recent days to talk to him about their menstrual cycles. He's the expert, right?

She's On Sale


Get the Ideal Woman According to Mike Pence's Policies discounted by 20 percent! That's basically what Pence said when he voted against the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act (multiple times), which demands equal pay for woman. And since women currently make at best 79 percent of what men do, you've got a real bargain on your hands.

She Fears Nothing


The Ideal Woman lets nothing get in her way — not gay people, not reproductive health issues, and certainly not smoking. The Ideal Woman knows that there's no danger to cigarettes and cigarette smokes. She's done her research — this is but a silly pop-culture myth. Like hunger and global warming. Pence is no fool, which is why he wrote another brilliant op-ed arguing that smoking doesn't kill. He's also voted again almost all environmental legislation and voted to ban the Environmental Protection Agency from regulating greenhouse gases, because global warming is for sissy pants losers.

She Is The Most Welcoming Hostess


In fact, she'll welcome complete strangers right into her uterus, since Pence believes the government should control our reproductive rights. In September, Pence said he'd like to "send Roe v. Wade to the ash heap of history," effectively eliminating safe and accessible abortions for everyone. The Ideal Woman According to Mike Pence is loving, caring, and forgiving. Just remember: If you wish to terminate your pregnancy, you're a murderer, a horrible person, and you're going to hell.

Editor's note: This piece is satire. Uteruses obviously can't speak.

Images: Giphy (6)