We here at the Donald Trump School of Mansplaining take pride in offering our students the very best in mansplaining education. We feel our technique is best exemplified by Donald Trump's esteemed performance at the first 2016 presidential debate, and we ensure that all our students are able to emulate Mr. Trump's masterful command of mansplaining.
Much like Trump University, the Donald Trump School of Mansplaining exemplifies the spirit of excellence that is synonymous with the Trump brand, from Trump Shuttle to Trump Mortgages. Our founder, Donald Trump, has a decades-long, well-documented history of condescension towards women, and there is no person better to inspire a university where applicants can learn and perfect these techniques.
For many men, mansplaining seems to come naturally — in fact, many take to it so naturally, they aren't even aware they're doing it. However, no matter how easily mansplaining may come, there is always room for improvement. Unless, of course, you are Donald Trump; Donald Trump has the best words, always. And just as Mr. Trump has electrified the nation and influenced the tone of political discourse during his presidential campaign, so too does the Donald Trump School of Mansplaining seek to change the nature of discourse between men and women.
It's all part of the plan to Make America Great Again.
Here are just a few of the things you can learn at the Donald Trump School of Mansplaining with our exciting curriculum. You can also see them in action by simply re-watching the Sept. 26 debate, or reading the transcript.
Lesson 1: Every Woman Needs Your Expertise
Whether a woman is someone you were set up with on a blind date or the former Secretary of State, she will always benefit from your input. If you carefully observe Trump's debate performance, you will note numerous instances of this. For example, what would the debate have been without Mr. Trump's keen observation that Hillary Clinton, who was born in 1947, has been fighting ISIS, which was founded in 1999, for her entire adult life? Or without Mr. Trump's insinuation that Hillary Clinton was involved in spreading the "birther" conspiracy theory?
The fact that Hillary Clinton has held high government office for 12 of the last 16 years rightly did not discourage Mr. Trump, who has never held any government office, from seeking to lecture her or to present his opinions alongside — and even ahead of — her own. As is true of any good mansplainer.
Lesson 2: It Is Always Your Turn To Talk
Mr. Trump interrupted Clinton at least 51 times in the 95-minute debate — an impressive average of once every minute and 51 seconds. This is because Mr. Trump has mastered the crucial mansplaining tenet that it is always your turn to speak. "Turns" are something only women need to be bothered with, and the fact that they now are expected to govern men as well is one of the most heinous impacts of the feminist movement. The good mansplainer knows to reject this sexist oppression and speak freely.
Lesson 3: Treat Women Like Children
While some maintain that women are people and that adult women deserve respect, we at the Donald Trump School of Mansplaining recognize this as politically correct culture run amok. To treat women as an equal is to go against the basic principles of mansplaining. Instead, mansplainers should treat women in much the same way they might treat a child — such as the way Mr. Trump spoke to Hillary Clinton when double-checking what he should call her during the debate.
Lesson 4: Whatever You Say Is Well Said
Just as men should not feel constrained by the feminazi tyranny of "turns" so, too, should they throw off the yoke of things like "proper sentence structure" and "coherent argument." Women need to worry about making themselves clear because women are not men. Whatever a man says is said well. That's why Mr. Trump in his debate with Hillary Clinton was able to emerge victorious from many exchanges using only sentence fragments or run-on sentences. Or, as we at the Donald Trump School of Mansplaining like to call them, short man-truths and long man-truths.
Because expecting a man to respond to a woman with the same coherence that she displays is just nonsense.
Lesson 5: If You Say Things With Enough Confidence, They Become True
Mr. Trump was able to set Hillary Clinton straight numerous times during the debate by denying her assertions emphatically and with unwavering confidence. He established that he always opposed the Iraq War, that he does not believe global warming is a Chinese hoax, that his birther advocacy had a positive impact, that he cannot currently release his tax returns, that he never referred to women as "pigs" or "slobs," and numerous other facts.
The women in your life — or on the national stage — may not like it, but if a man states something with confidence, then it is clearly established as true and cannot be disputed. At least not by a woman — as any mansplainer knows.
Lesson 6: Women Don't Know What They Think
Perhaps the most advanced mansplaining technique is not to mansplain external facts to a woman — this is something most beginners can achieve — but rather to mansplain a woman to herself. Yet, it can be done — as evidenced by the admirable way Mr. Trump informed Hillary Clinton that she does not have a good temperament or that she agrees with him on certain issues.
The fundamental tenet of mansplaining is that if you are a man, you simply know more than women, and this is true in all subject areas — including knowing more about a woman herself. And we at the Donald Trump School of Mansplaining are incredibly proud to find our inspiration from someone who understands this.
Editor's Note: This piece is satire. There is obviously no accredited university that offers a degree in Mansplaining.