The ‘Real Housewives Of New Jersey’ Reunion Seating Chart Sadly Doesn’t Include Siggy’s Lobster Bisque

If you thought the air smelled like a mix of pinot noir and sprinkle cookies on Thursday, that wasn't your imagination: The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 7 reunion taping is underway. Now, we viewers won't see Teresa Giudice, Jacqueline Laurita, Melissa Gorga, Siggy Flicker, and Dolores Catania's post-season chat for several weeks, but you know what we can stare at right this second? Thanks to Bravo's The Daily Dish, our impatient eyeballs can feast upon the RHONJ Season 7 reunion seating chart all they want.

As always, Andy Cohen the Great and Powerful will preside over the reunion in the middle chair. To his right, Giudice and Gorga. And on his left will be Laurita, Flicker, and Catania. Yep, yep. That feels about right. I mean, we all saw the mêlée at Matterhorn (the restaurant, not the Disneyland ride) (uh oh, now I’m imagining them buckled into a Matterhorn bobsled, screaming at each other as the Abominable Snowman lurches and roars), right? Of course Giudice and Laurita would be seated in the seats typically reserved for the two cast members who clash the most. And of course Giudice and Gorga (aka The Sprinkle Cookie Alliance) are on the same team, er, side. And of course newcomers Catania and Flicker are seated next to each other so they can weather this storm together. It's probably the most ideal setup.

However, being the goblin of a reality TV viewer that I am, I’ve imagined an alternate seating arrangement. A seating arrangement that would ensure plenty of reunion mayhem. The RHONJ Season 7 reunion seating chart of my dreams:

  • Andy Cohen sits in the center (duh).
  • There’s a small table next to Andy Cohen’s throne that’s reserved for a bowl of lobster bisque and a single drinking straw.
  • To Andy Cohen’s right is Teresa.
  • Next to Teresa is Jacqueline.
  • And next to Jacqueline is Melissa. It’s a Matterhorn mêlée sandwich (I wasn’t kidding when I said I was a goblin).
  • To Andy Cohen’s left is Siggy.
  • To Siggy’s left is Dolores.
  • When the reunion inevitably escalates to an unmanageable level, Andy Cohen hits a buzzer and calls timeout. The one rule of the timeout period: No one can speak. When everyone goes silent, Milania Giudice rollerblades onto the stage and takes the empty seat next to Dolores. For five glorious minutes, Milania talks about whatever she wants to talk about. Once the timeout period ends, Milania exits the stage. The Housewives pick up where they left off.
  • Throughout the reunion, a hologram of ex-New Jersey Housewife joins the fray. Without warning, Hologram Dina Manzo, Hologram Caroline Manzo, Hologram Kathy Wakile, and Hologram Danielle Staub appear, ready to offer up their hologram hot takes.
  • As the reunion begins to wind down, the sound of metal scraping across the slick marble floor echoes throughout the room. “What is that awful noise?” Siggy asks, covering her ears. “Does this happen at every reunion? This is seriously unbearable.” Then, the empty seat next to Dolores vanishes into thin air. “Does that happen at every reunion?” Dolores asks, her voice wobbling with fear. Before anyone can tell Siggy and Dolores that this isn’t a normal part of the reunion process, Chairy from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse emerges from the shadows. “Hi, everyone,” Chairy waves. “Looks like you could use another chair.” The Housewives fall silent, their faces frozen in disbelief. “Mind if I join you?” Chairy asks as she scoots next to Dolores. Andy Cohen announces that Chairy is the newest New Jersey Real Housewife. The reunion ends.

*Raises glass of lobster bisque.* Here's to what is sure to be a muscle sprouts-tastic reunion.

Image: Tommy Garcia/Bravo