When I saw the headline that my girl Ariana Grande broke a few toes, I freaked out. “WHAT THE HELL?!” I yelled at my computer screen. “WHAT HAPPENED? SOMETHING NOT FUNNY, I ASSUME. I MUST READ ON.” I read on. And as I read on, I muttered to myself, "Oh, nevermind. This is kind of funny." Grande broke three toes by slipping on her dog’s urine and crashing into a wall. I feel like an asshole for laughing, but come on. It is comical. It sounds like something that'd happen to Robbie on Victorious or to Dice on Sam & Cat or to me in real life, not to pop music and TV superstar Ariana Grande.
How do we know about the pee crash? No, she didn't call me up and tell me. No, I didn't witness it. We know about it because she texted the story to her manager Scooter Braun, and Braun posted a screenshot of her message on Instagram.
The text exchange:
Grande: "Had a party last night and in front of a lot of people I slipped on a huge surprise pile of Ophelia piss, slammed into a wall and broke 3 toes. have a great day."
Braun: "This is the kind of text that gets me pumped up for the new week. Thank you."
What is it about this that's so funny? A few thoughts:1. Dog piss. Classic.2. She had an audience. Sure, it was probably a little embarrassing, but at least she could share the ridiculous moment with people. It's sort of like the "if a tree falls in the forest but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound" thing, except with Grande and a puddle of pee. 3. The use of the word "pile." This really speaks to me, because "a pile" is my favorite unit of measure.4. The punctuation. Can't stop giggling at "have a great day." The tone leaps off of the screen.5. Braun's chill response. 6. Once again, dog piss. SO CLASSIC.
Braun's caption is pretty great, too:
How's Grande feeling today?
No regrets. And yay! She says it's only a minor injury. Sending good, speedy recovery vibes Grande's way!