Deep inside a bunker, tucked underground at an undisclosed location somewhere in the Russian countryside, Vladimir Putin softly wept. He stared at his computer, his watery eyes nearly unable to focus as tears glistened gently down his cheeks. In his left hand, he clutched one half of a "Best Friends" necklace, purchased in happier times. In his right hand, he clutched his broken heart. Also some paperwork he needed to sign in order to pass a new law that helped create an extremely dangerous environment for journalists. But mostly his broken heart.
After all they had shared, Donald Trump — his bosom buddy, his constant pal, the man who called him "at least...a leader," yes, his best friend — had denied their bond on international television, during the third presidential debate. Had all their time together meant nothing to Donald? Their mutual admiration? Their shared moments of laughter, and of tears? Those matching t-shirts Vladimir had made for them at the mall that said "Nobody's proven that he's killed anybody"?
Things had started so perfectly, like a fairytale. Vladimir had always been so unpopular, due to his social awkwardness and taste for questionable human rights policy. But one day, when he least expected it, he suddenly had a new admirer:
Finally! Someone liked him!
He had never felt cooler in his life. Maybe he would get to visit Trump Tower, or at least get a DVD copy of Home Alone 2: Lost In New York, autographed by Donald himself!
And when Trump said Putin had "outsmarted [Clinton] and Obama at every single step of the way," his heart nearly leapt out of his chest. He felt like part of the team.
Little did he know how soon things would fall apart.
"I don't know Putin," Trump said.
"I don't know Putin."
Trump went on. "This is not my best friend," he said.
Putin couldn't believe it.
Now Trump was on there, bragging about all of his new friends — "200 generals and admirals," he said! How could he possibly compete with that?
Putin knew there was now only one thing for him to do, only one thing he could do.
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