Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Split Two Days Ago, So What’s The Consensus Now?

The celebrity news media moves crazy fast and I'm not trying to say that all third-person-like as if I'm not writing about celebrity news right now. It's just true. It was only two days ago that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced they were separating (or, "consciously uncoupling") and already the world has gone through a few different stages of reaction. To put it simply, first everyone was like "Whoa!" then everyone was like, "We totally saw it coming," then there was "What the eff is 'conscious uncoupling?'" then "Let's just leave her alone, okay?" Of course, not everyone went through all of these — that would be exhausting and you probably have other shit to do besides ponder Gwyneth Paltrow's life — but all of these reactions have come across in entertainment news.

So where do we stand now? Sure, it's been just 48 hours, but how long is everyone reasonably supposed to care about this? These stories — you know, the kind about people we don't actually know — move quickly so it makes more sense to take a look around the next day or so rather than waiting an entire month when the consensus will be a clear "Gwyneth, who? I'm reading about the Kimye wedding, leave me alone."

But right now, the consensus is like that of a nihilistic dystopia. Is that too strong of a statement? Maybe, but hear me out. Nothing matters anymore. Love is gone. There's no point in defending anyone or anything. The world is cold and we can talk about topics surrounding the real issue that would have previously (i.e. yesterday) been seen as unnecessary and offensive.

Just look at the major entertainment websites. E! Online is talking about how much money Paltrow and Martin have and how they're going to divide their combined $280 million worth in the split. Is that too personal to talk about? Not anymore. Anything's up for grabs in this dark, confused world. Us Weekly is reporting that Paltrow kissed her ex Donovan Leitch at a baseball game six months ago. It was just a friendly kiss and her children were there, but let's just put it all out there because nothing matters anymore.

Over at Salon, there is an article stating that Paltrow monetized her divorce announcement. It reads, "If she’d just issued a press release, Paltrow wouldn’t have been able to include paragraph after paragraph about relationships in the animal kingdom, but she also couldn’t have buttressed her divorce announcement with ad content." I don't know if this is true and I'm sure Paltrow isn't going to confirm or deny it, but go for it. We're all in this together now. It's the world versus the Paltrow-Martin split that we won't care about in a week, so let's just get all the plausible theories out there and come up with something by Friday so we can enjoy our weekends.

Slate did something more fun and made a widget that creates the GOOP-approved phrase that describes your relationship. I'm "generously cooperating" with my boyfriend.

And of course Twitter users are getting in on this too and it's a total free-for-all.

Some people are confused:

Some are angry:

Some use interesting insults:

Some are haterz:

Some are lovers:

But all of them, all of the websites, all of everyone, will not care about this in a week. So let's get things off of our chests now. Let's go on Twitter rants and post articles about issues that are only mildly related, and pull ourselves back together. Paltrow and Martin may have been able to figure out their separation, but we're still working on our unconscious uncoupling from this news. We might be in a dark place right now, but we're quickly making our way out of this.

Image: Hilary Weeks/GOOP