13 Funny Holiday Quotes For 2016 That Will Delight Even The Grumpiest Of Grinches

The holidays are a special time of year, and amidst all of the cheer and love rests some serious humor. If you don't know what makes Christmas a laughing matter, these 13 funny holiday quotes for 2016 should help clear that up for you; after all, a festive gathering isn't complete without a little laughter — and these jokes and platitudes are sure to inspire a few seasonally appropriate guffaws.

Now, I'm not saying that Christmas is a joke. Whether you celebrate it for religious reasons, or simply as a Westernized tradition, there are obviously a lot of serious undertones to the holiday. However, there's also no denying that in our current culture, Dec. 25 has become a child's dream day and a parent's personal shopping nightmare. And guess what? These 13 funny quotes touch on all that and more. From the fruitcake you can't seem to get rid of to what it takes to pick out the perfect Christmas tree, these quotes are bound to incite a chuckle or two from you this holiday season.

Spread the joy by sharing these little tidbits with your friends and family. They work wonders when it comes to reviving cheer during this sometimes (read: always) stressful time of year— right up until the celebratory pinnacle of the holiday season. From Johnny Carson and Shirley Temple to Steven Wright and Dave Berry, let these comedians, authors, and entertainers tickle you with their words.

1. “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” — Dave Barry

2. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” — Bridger Winegar

3. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” — Winston Spear


4. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys Not Included.’” — Bernard Manning

5. “This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” — Guy Endore Kaiser

6. “Do give books – religious or otherwise — for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” — Lenore Hershey

7. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde


8. “Adults can take a simple holiday for children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.” — Erma Bombeck

9. “For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!” — Anne Bristow

10. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple


11. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” — Johnny Carson

12. “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” — Steven Wright

13. “Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” — Tom Armstrong

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