I don't know if you heard, but Tom Hardy, hideous creature masquerading as a man of vim and vigor, is on the cover of the new Esquire Magazine. And in it, on full display for all the world to see, are his myriad tattoos. Did you know Tom Hardy has a lot of tattoos? He does! It's true! And I know this because we are in love*, so we have intimate knowledge of his permadoodles.
Thankfully, with all of it on display in such an out-there fashion, it makes it easy for me to break down what each one represents and means. Don't say I've never done anything of service, folks.
* (be "we are in love" I mean "we are in love *coughcough* in my dreams *coughcough* because I am a kind and selfless person, one of a kind in my ability to admire such a truly grotesque and misshapen creature such as he." I'm the Belle to his Beast, no big deal.)
Overall: Tattoo Schema
Tom Hardy’s tattoos are clearly the only thing one can pay attention to in this photo. I mean look at the rest of him: what a mess! A horridly unfortunate physique this one has, eh?
Overall the theme is, well, varied. But they’re all uniformly presented in black and white, which means he likes a bit of order even in all of that chaos. Plus the black plays nicely against those roll shadows all over his belly (Seriously — yuck! What a completely unattractive and not-at-all master of all my dreams he is.). Those are fat rolls, right?
Tom Hardy Tattoo Study No. 1: Shoulder
This top tattoo reads “Charlotte” — one of the actor’s many tattoos devoted to a lady he has loved (or currently loves) in his life. We’re not 100% sure where OUR name is on his body but we’re certain it’s somewhere really special and private.
The second says “padre fiero,” which I’m guessing means fierce father because I took a little bit of high school Spanish and dabbled in collegiate Italian, so I like, know things. I’m sure this is in reference to his son Louis. If you’re into ovary explosions go ahead and click this video of them rapping BUT WE WARNED YOU (don’t worry it’s worth it)!
Tom Hardy Tattoo Study No. 2: Chest (Right)
Below Charlotte and proud daddy we have Hardy’s chest. This piece of Grade-A man meat (wait who just typed that there without my permission? You cheeky oogler, you!) has been bequeathed with no less than 4 tattoos: a crow (he’s a member of the Night’s Watch?), a Union Jack (because he’s English), a scroll with some numbers (an ode to the number of times we’ve banged… in his dreams), all encompassed by an archway (because architecture is BEAUTIFUL go get some culture jeez).
Tom Hardy Tattoo Study No. 3: Arm (Right)
Here, laid across a strong arm that looks more than ready to carry you away from trouble or imminent danger on a moment’s notice while bullets rain down around him, is some graffiti. And a star. Apparently underneath that is a portrait of lady friend Charlotte Riley but EH, MEH WHO CARES CAN’T SEE IT MOVING ON.
Tom Hardy Tattoo Study No. 4: Chest (Left)
Now here’s where things get a bit more visceral. On Hardy’s left chesty we see some masks — comedy and tragedy — representing both his career of choice (acting) and his life motto “Smile now, cry later.” Above that rests a set of numbers — 1338046 — likely representing the number of times he’s daydreamed about our enchanting, dreamy life together. He had to cross it out because the number went up — I mean obviously!
Tom Hardy Tattoo Study No. 5: Arm (Left)
Now here is an interesting mix. Several crosses around a tribal pattern that wraps itself around a fightin’ Irishman?
…The only excuse for this set is: one’s teenage years are rife with mistakes. Moving on…
Tom Hardy Tattoo Study No. 6: Stomach
“Till I Die SW,” the text reads. And while most people would lead you to believe that SW stands for Sarah Ward, Tom Hardy’s ex-wife, *I* for one know the truth. The “SW” actually stands for Small Wonder. And I know this because Hardy and I both share a love of the kooky 1980s sitcom of the same name about a young robot masquerading around a family as a real human person (and nobody’s the wiser!!!). When we’re lying in bed together watching reruns and feeding each other grapes we just laugh and laugh and laugh. It’s a — wait for it — small wonder we are so in love, isn’t it?! HA HA HA hahahahahaha …aha-ha…ha.
Tom Hardy Tattoo Study No. 7: The Whole
True Life: I’m in love with a monster.
Image: Esquire Magazine