There are wine snobs, beer snobs, foodies, and there are most definitely cheese snobs. I myself am one of them. After spending a few years behind the counter as a cheese monger, my taste for all things curdy expanded immensely. I also learned a great deal about cheese-making, flavor, pairings, and more fun facts about wheels of cheese than I ever dreamed possible. The world of cheese is a beautiful one filled with complex tastes, endless variety, and people who take it very, very seriously (There's a Cheesemonger Invitational, y'all!) Yes, June 4 may be National Cheese Day, but for some of us, this is a lifestyle.
So if you're the person whose job on the holidays is to bring the cheese plate — and you know that means more than cubing up some grocery store cheddar and throwing some pepperoni on a plate — then this is for you. If you get exceedingly excited for the start of fig season, this is definitely for you. And if your kitchen is stocked with enough cheese cloth and wax paper to merit a Project Runway unconventional materials challenge ... then I might marry you.
Because there are certain things only we true cheese lovers can understand.
It takes all of the effort not to look like this when someone offers you Jarlsberg
Cheese should crumble, crack, melt, or ooze...not bounce!
how you feel when someone tells you they just HATE goat cheese
You know there's more than just the stuff that goes in salad, right?
The more something smells like foot, the more you want it
Adjectives like "ripe," "weepy," and "funky" are appealing to you.
When someone dips the cheese knife into the honey
When someone uses the soft cheese knife on the hard cheese
Or vice versa.
Frankly, When Anyone Uses A Knife on More Than One Cheese
You've stopped trying to explain that "Brie" is name-protected
It's just like Champagne, guys.
The sadness you feel when someone tells you their favorite cheese is halloumi
Or worse, they "don't like cheese." What kind of a monster are you?
You own more graters and cheese knives than you do plates and cups
You feel the same way about your Parmigiano Reggiano as you do about your laptop
It's an investment. If you want it to last long and perform well, you have to buy up.
It's beyond you why so many people call it "MancheNgo"
When did that extra "N" get in there!?
You'd rather get a wedge of cheese than a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day
This? This is love.
You buy your wine and beer based on what cheese is currently in your kitchen
Won't both of you grow old with me?
How you feel about Vegans
Or soy cheese
you know that nachos can most certainly be a gourmet dinner
You subscribe to this
Your local monger gets really excited when you come in
Because now they have an excuse to crack open that really fudgy wheel of Stichelton or ripe Reblochon.
You Also Regularly Lie to Your Monger
"Seven cheeses are too many for one person, you say? Oh, well, good, because — uh — I have 10 people coming to dinner. Yeah. So let's make it eight actually."
You Know You're Supposed to Only Use Two Cheeses For Fondue...
Gruyere and Emmentaler are the Brangelina of fondue cheese. Grummentaler.
...But Sometimes You Just Need Five, You Know?
But what if we add Roquefort?
Of course you eat the rind!
Unless it's wax, because, ick.
Your grilled cheeses are next-level
Excuse me while I drool.
You love getting the blues
Oh everyone else at the party won't even try it? OH WELL MORE FOR ME.
And You Know That Any Cheese-Hater Can Be Turned With a Hunk of D'Affinois
This was a game changer
but at the end of the day, you still ain't too proud for this
No matter how many incredible clothbound cheddars you've tasted, or how how many baguettes you lovingly sliced, or how many robust alpines you've used in your own fancy mac 'n cheese recipe.