So, You've Decided To Have A Threesome...

Maybe it's spring in the air, maybe it's that anything-goes last month of your senior year of college, or maybe it's that you've been watching too much of that damned Vampire Diaries (hot love triangles, hotter actors, is Ian Somerhalder even a real person, etc). Whatever the reason, you've decided that you want to go for it — like, it-it. The most prizewinning of sex acts: the menage-a-trois. Dope.

Except, you know, we don't live in the super-chill Game of Thrones -iverse, where threesomes — and wine and murder — are an important part of daily life. I mean, I don't even know if my neighborhood has a velvet-swathed brothel for me to shimmy into, boyfriend in tow. No, for me and for most anyone who isn't Westerosi nobility, a threesome demands a bit of foresight and planning.

Maybe if there were, say, a handy how-to guide... Hey, lookee here!

A disclosure, before we begin: I have actually never had a threesome, and accordingly, don't consider myself qualified to dole out mid-coitus play-by-play directives. But as a 20-something women who, like, breathes and dates other 20-somethings, I've been propositioned a fair few times to partake in a menage. So, as with all things that have piqued my interest deeply — ebola, Anonymous, Cat Marnell, speakeasies — I have researched the everloving shit out of this topic. Basically, I'm here to shave five hours off your Googling time, leaving you with five hours more to canoodle, trio-style. So let's get to it!

1. Make sure you really want this

With any sexscapade — from hooking up with a rando to having the vanilla-est missionary tryst with your longtime partner on a Tuesday morning — it's important to check in with yourself to ensure that you're doing what you're doing for the right reasons. Is the actual reality of a threesome as attractive to you as the fantasy of one? Are you feeling secure with yourself (and your partner, if you have one)? Are you a baller communicator? This is just a good habit to get into generally.

2. Discuss threesomes with your partner

If you're coupled up and you really want to go for this, it's imperative to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page first. (That does not mean "convincing" your partner to have a threesome with you.) This will entail some planning and a shitload of talking.

You should discuss threesomes hypothetically. You should consider threesomes as a real possibility, with real ramifications. You should bring up any issues you're concerned a threesome might exacerbate. You should go over ground rules. You should explain what kind of threesome you're interested in. You should talk until you're soooo sick of talking about threesomes that they're almost not sexy anymore — almost. And then, and only then, if you're both into the idea, you can move forward.

3. Find your "third wheel," or — if you're riding solo — your other two wheels.

First, I put "third wheel(s)" in quotes because everyone should be an equally pleasured and pleasuring participant in this scenario. Anyway. Unless you're, like, Samantha from Sex in the City, finding and asking the right person is going to be a little awkward no matter what — just keep in mind how much fun the payoff will be.

Whether you're the couple or a unicorn (yes, that is the actual term for single women who are interested in partaking in a threesome, because you're rare and horny, I guess?), you have a lot of options. These include asking friends or acquaintances if they know anyone, asking friends or acquaintances to join in, putting out an ad on Craigslist, downloading that new threesome app 3nder, hitting up a swinger's club, or approaching contenders at a bar. Each comes with its own set of caveats, of course: you might make things weird with people you actually know, Craigslist is full of creeps, 3nder is sort of new, sex clubs can be kind of disappointing, and approaching someone at a bar and being like, "Threesome?" is sort of terrifying.

However you meet or find your participants, what's important is that you take a little time to get to know each other first. Meet in person, somewhere public, before you decide to go through with anything. Talk for a little while about normal stuff, about sex stuff, about specific threesome stuff. Set expectations. Take safety precautions (of the sexual and stranger-danger varieties). Make sure that don't wind up with Patrick Bateman in bed. And make sure you can say yes to the following questions, posed by the wise Sara Benincasa at Jezebel:

Do you like both these people? Do you trust both these people? Do you feel ready and willing to laugh at yourself and to laugh with them if somebody farts accidentally? Can you all keep a secret?

Reasonable, no?

4. Things to think about when prepping for le menage

Look, I am not naive enough to think that every beer-pong instigated hookup is preceded by an STI test. But sleeping or fooling around with someone new has its risks; three people means more risk. If you're planning this — like, planning-planning it, over email or whatever — I don't think it's at all unreasonable to say something like, "[I/My partner and I] have been tested for STIs recently and these were our results, [I'm/we're] looking for someone who has also been recently tested."

Something you absolutely MUST do is stock up on condoms. Like, a lot of condoms, because you should be changing condoms every time you switch between sexual acts. I like the idea of using colored condoms, coded by who's shtupping who — a little silly, maybe, but I'd take silly over syphilis any day. Oh, and just a thought, but you might want to keep a small trash can near wherever you're getting it on. Because, I don't know, condoms everywhere, right?

This last one is sort of about safety, but also concerns your emotional well-being. If your funds allow for it, you might want to consider renting a hotel room for the threesome, at least the first time. It's safer than exchanging personal addresses, it will give you a little distance from your domestic sphere (like, what if the threesome is a mess, and you think about it and get bummed about it every time you crawl into bed? Not great, Bob), and it might just make you feel sexier. And, DUH, tell someone where you are. Safe, sane, and consensual, everybody!

Image: Bustle Stock Photo