What's Up With These Awful TV Hospitals?

by Jenny Jaffe

If I were a TV character, I would do absolutely everything in my power to avoid illness or injury. It's not like I actively seek it out now in real life, but at least if I ever needed to be hospitalized here in teh not-made-for-TV world, there's a good chance the doctors at the hospital I'm taken to will be, you know, actually good at their jobs.

Look, doctors are people too, and I'm sure most real-world hospitals have their share of office romances, zany hijinks, and high-octane drama. But most TV shows set at hospitals center around characters who are too self-involved to do much actual work.

For instance, I don't want a doctor rushing into surgery just moments after a steamy closet make-out sesh! I want their head in the game! And I definitely don't want my doctors engaging in loaded, suggestive banter over my hospital bed- I want them focused on figuring out what's wrong with me!

Plus, killing patients off is probably better for the ratings.

If you absolutely had to go to a TV hospital, I've laid out some of your best (and worst) options here.

Sacred Heart, Scrubs

For as much time as J.D. spent aimlessly walking around the hospital, loudly thinking to himself, he really cared about his patients, and for as much time as Dr. Cox spent verbally sparring with [Girl's Name], he was a really good doctor. The staff at Sacred Heart Hospital had complicated personal lives, sure, but they still managed to operate as a competent and cohesive staff. You could do a lot worse than being rushed to see Drs. Turk or Reid, and you might even get a song out of it.

Shulman's Women's Health Associates, The Mindy Project

Mindy may be sort of a hot mess in her personal life, but she's got it together when it comes to her career, even if some of her co-workers don't. SWHA finds itself this high up on the list not just because of Dr. Lahiri's professionalism, but because it's likely that if you find yourself here you're having a baby, not getting a bomb removed. Speaking of which...

Seattle Grace Mercy West, Grey's Anatomy

When it comes to being treated at Seattle Grace Mercy West, it's all about who's treating you and what season this is. Is it Season One, and do you have Shepherd, Montgomery, Bailey, or Yang? You're going to be fine. Is it the fourth season, and do you have Stevens or Harris? I'm so, so sorry. It's not that the characters are bad doctors, necessarily, they're just too busy boinking each other to really care about your health or safety.

Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, House

If you wind up in the care of Dr. Gregory House, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong, and not only will you have the mystery illness you're fighting to worry about, you'll also likely become the test subject for an experimental treatment which Dr. Cuddy blindly signed off on (or didn't sign off on, House doesn't care). You have a good chance of survival, but not before you're poked, prodded, mistreated, and verbally abused, first. To House, you're just a puzzle to be solved.

General Hospital, General Hospital

Sorry, but literally no one on General Hospital cares if you live or die. They have over-wrought love triangles, evil twins, and aliens to worry about.

Darkplace Hospital, Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Darkplace Hospital is built on the gates of Hell. Its staff can't act, much less operate, and its problems include monkey hands, orphaned eye children, and spontaneously combusting patients. You don't want to wind up here, but, if you haven't already, you definitely want to give it a watch!

Briarcliff Mental Institution, American Horror Story

Uh... good luck.

Images: giphy.com