The Five Ways Britain Is Responding To The #RoyalBabyBoy
In two short years, we Brits have become well-versed in the art of loving the monarchy. Just when we were getting sick of Prince Charles' long face, Philip's racist comments and Prince William's endless do-gooding, it all kicked off.
Prince Harry got good and naked, the Queen celebrated sixty years on the throne, Will got hitched to the endlessly-out-of-his-league Kate Middleton... and we all felt more awkward than usual when Kate's breasts started making the rounds on the Internet. Still: bank holidays, and now a baby boy that we hope to God will inherit Kate's hair.
These days, we're so practiced at our responses to monarchical events, we're falling into camps as easily as Harry falls into bed with tall blondes.
Disclaimer: I'm as British as they come.
1. "Will there be a bank holiday?"
We love our bank holidays, and we could always use more. Bank holidays are joyful, spirited occasions, full of drinking on the sidewalk (we call it the 'pavement') and a vague sense of happy anarchy. Will and Kate's wedding day netted us one, as did that Jubilee occasion we don't really remember because of all the Pimm's.
If this kid gets us a day off — which it probably won't, but we're uncharacteristically optimistic about our drinking prospects — then we'll all raise a glass to it and hope fervently that it lives long and stays healthy, so we'll get an extra day of paid holiday each year.
Here's the reigning manifesto of Camp Bank Holiday.
2. OMG EVERYONE SHUT UP.
Don't call us cynical (we prefer 'excellent critical thinkers',) but we do have a tendency to put things into perspective. Camp Shut Up spearheads this movement. Typical responses include:
See also: "Everyone Is So Stupidly Excited About What Was A Fetus Five Seconds Ago" and "Let's Take This Opportunity To Storm The Palace Gates And End Monarchy."
Note: Nobody who posts these and hashtags everything (#babycambridge #royalbabyboy #baby #child #cynicaltilIdie) ever says anything to another human being with real-life words. We are deeply afraid of rejection, more than a little repressed, and prefer to express ourselves with hashtags and regret.
3. #This #Is #The #Most #Exciting #Thing #Ever !!!
Camp So Excited knows the world is an ugly place. Since David Cameron is cracking down on all that's good on the Internet (and, OK, some things that are very, very bad,) there needs to be a space in the bosom of popular culture where we can go and feel happy, safe, and utterly enthralled.
That place is BABY PICTURES.
Even this Alison Jackson mock-up thrilled us.
Camp So Excited is getting its photo taken outside the royal gates, camping out beside St. Mary's in hopes of catching a glimpse, and posting overexcited ramblings on Twitter.
4. If You're Interested In The Royal Baby, You'll Love This Lawnmower!
We'll call this tribe Camp Merchant. Camp Merchant knows that British memorabilia flies off the shelves at every vaguely monarchical event, is well aware of Twitter's selling power, and has a host of extra-special products lined up with which to jump onto the baby's bandwagon. And possibly capitalize on its genitalia.
"Hoping To Marry The Royal Baby Boy In Seventeen Years And 364 Days? Get Prepared — You Too Can Get Uber-Fast Weight Loss With Our DVD!"
"Kate Middleton Once Walked Past A Fire Extinguisher While Pregnant With Royal Baby Boy. Get A Fire Extinguisher Here!"
"Want To Know How Your Life Will Intersect With Royal Baby Boy's? Talk To Psychic Daphne To Find Out!"
5. Keep Calm And Ignore The Media
A decent percentage of the British public aren't drowning their sorrows in pinot and sobbing into blue blankets, nor are they trying to sell you things.
Camp In-Their-Stride are reasonably excited about having a new heir to the throne, especially since it might entice Prince Harry to get more naked more of the time, since there's little to no chance he'll ever sit on the Iron Throne. (Is that the right throne? I've been in America too long.)
They will, however, breathe a sigh of relief when it's all over and they can turn on the radio and hear some news. Operative word: "new."
(Image: Alison Jackson)